Start of Week 22

Start of Week 22: I started at 261.4 and have lost 62.6 lbs. I finally did it. I am under 200 lbs for the first time in 8 years. Less than 5 weeks left. I am going to continue with Randy Orosz for another week. Moving in the right direction.

Observation #76 Friday Treat Day

Every Friday at my place of work, we have Treat Day. My favourite day of the week. Well, it used to be. I now call it Torture Day. Every Friday, I feel real guilt. Over the years I became the de facto guardian of Treat Day. Now, I have now become everything I fought so hard against.

         The baked goods. Marone! Brownies. Cheesecake. Cookies. Chips. The spread on Fridays is something to behold. There is a sign up sheet on the fridge. Everyone takes their turn. Old Adam, was never shy about voicing his discontent if someone brought in something that was nutritious. "This isn't a treat." Heaven forbid you bring a vegetable in. Publicly shunned. A steadfast rule was developed: Fruit should not part of any dessert. What is a date anyway? Raisins. Hate them. The thing I hate about those SOBs raisins, is that they look like chocolate chips. You think you are about to get that much closer to God by biting into a delicious chocolate chip cookie and shit. Raisins. So deceptive. One guy brought in a bunch of boxes of wagon wheels. They were expired. There was such disdain. The audacity.

         Now every Friday morning I dread my entrance into the staff room. Oh great, a giant bowl of M and Ms. I used to be the judge, jury and executioner. Now every Friday becomes a test. I was eating my wrap and I looked up and there were a dozen donuts. “Hey buddy, remember us. Oh yeah, we’re just covered in sprinkles. We won’t mind if you eat one of us.” Damn. One time the staff room was empty. There was a bag of one-bite brownies. I opened the bag and just breathed in the fumes. I was free basing like I was Richard Pryor. I didn’t eat one because I know I wouldn’t be able to stop. I still haven’t found that space where I can do things in moderation. I really want to get there one day because I miss my old friends.

Start of Week 21

Start of Week 21: I started at 261.4 and have lost 59.4 lbs. I had a good week. Randy Orosz, a co-worker, has gracefully offered to train me for the next two weeks. We are in the home stretch. I just want to get close enough to throw a hail mary at the end.

Observation #75 Pizza as a Vegetable

The war on drugs. It has been a colossal waste of time, money and resources. When you attack the supply or do not address the demand, the problem continues. If the demand does not change, the problem will continue to exist. People will find the drugs to do. Instead of attacking the demand through education or treatment facilities, foreign countries are invaded in the name of the war on drugs. Cue the huge leap. The same can be said about the food available in our school cafeterias. People are right to be concerned about the food that is offered. Recently, there has been a movement to have pizza classified as a vegetable so that schools can meet their nutritional requirements. We are outraged but once again we are attacking the supply instead of the demand.

         There will always be food that is bad for you. The supply will always be present. Dairy Queen, I see you over there. I slow down every time I drive by. Do I stop? Killing me. Temptation will always exist. With school cafeterias, temptation will always exist. The school board where I work has put a strict healthy food program into place. No french fries. No pizza for fundraisers. No bakesales.No chocolate bars in the vending machines. No soda in the machines. The only problem with this is that the store beside the school continues to offer a wide array of goodies. Pixie sticks to chips. Instead of the school cafeteria generating income for the school, the corner store is booming. Helping the economy, one crazy energy drink at a time.

         What is the solution? How do we address the demand? Not sure there is an answer. I know some parents who don’t let their kids have any sugar. All you need is one kid on the playground with a pocket full of jawbreakers. “First one’s free man.” You’ve got yourself a kid hitting the FunDip hard in his bedroom after you go to sleep. Supply vs. demand. Instead of handing your kid five bucks in the morning, make their lunch. Alternate days where they make your lunch. Provide choice to your kids. Live by example. Attack the demand. Give your kids the tools to choose an apple over a cookie. I don’t know. Its easier said than done but pretending that bad food doesn’t exist isn’t the solution either.

Observation #74 Open Letter to YMCA Grunter

Dear YMCA Grunter,

I just wanted to send you this quick note on behalf of the patrons of the YMCA. Today while working out I was taken aback in the middle of my workout when I clearly heard someone yell out, “Let’s get jacked!” I am for self-motivation as much as the next guy but come on. That someone was you. I don’t want to come across as judgmental but you really got inside my head today.

You are the reason that people don’t like to work out. Do you really have to lift to whole stack on every exercise? I get it, you are trying to build muscle but to do it just once doesn’t seem that effective. Your half shirt that read “Body Building USA 1993” and your Zubaz pants told me that you were a throwback and that you were clearly in the wrong place and perhaps the wrong time. I just kept wondering if you have a closet full of Vaurnet and Ocean Pacific hypercolour shirts.

Fashion aside, your volume just makes everyone uncomfortable. Maybe you cannot hear yourself grunting and groaning. Maybe your “Walkman”and your Loverboy were too loud. Come on. You were screaming. You sounded like a cross between who is taking a shit after eating a brick of cheese and someone walking across hot coals. You pissed me off because you were so loud and it reminded me how I forgot my own iPod. I needed to drown you out.

To top it off, after lifting the “shoulder press” up once, pacing back and forth, trying to lift again, you just left your sweaty ass all over the seat. They have bottles and towels there for a reason. Use them. No one wants to sit in a puddle of your ass. Come on. I know you have travelled here from a time where Joe Weider and steroids were the norm and Gold’s Gym and sexual harassment were lofty goals but a community gym like the YMCA just doesn’t seem like the right fit. So turn your backwards hat that you got out of a case of Budweiser around and conform. Or leave. Don’t make people uncomfortable. I know why women’s gyms exist. They are because of you. God bless Andy Rooney, I don’t mean to rant. Please take this letter into consideration.

Thanks.

Start of Week 20

Start of Week 20: I started at 261.4 and have lost 56 lbs. Another tough one. I ate well all week and worked out hard. I feel good which I guess is all that matters. This week I am going to torture myself. I am being trained by the fittest guy I know, Randy Orosz.

Observation #73 The Race

   I guess if I was lying on a leather couch with some guy with a tweed jacket with the patches on sleeve analysing my psyche, the conclusion might be that I’m an attention seeker. I enjoy making a spectacle of myself. Posting my weight on Facebook is a real “look at me” move. Operation 180 has really filled a void in my life. Since the rock and roll part of my life ended, the spotlight has dimmed. I think part of the reason I became a teacher was to be in front of people on a daily basis. I used to tell myself that I became a teacher because of 21 Jump Street. You know you could always stay young and cool while hanging out in high school forever. That reason has faded but the attention is still nice.

         The other day in class, there was about 5 minutes left in my Grade 12 World History class. The lesson was over and we were just talking. I asked “Who do you think the fastest teacher at the school is?” Someone said that I wouldn’t finish in the top ten. Damn. Its probably true but snap. It hurt. I pipe up. “Bet I could beat some of you in a race.”

         “Betcha you can’t.” Uh oh.

         “Let’s race tomorrow at lunch.” What have I got myself into?

         Cue the hype machine. I was walking down the hall after class and a student I didn’t know asks when the race was going down. Damn you text messaging and social media. The race was the buzz of the school.

         Lunchtime. I felt like the kid in “Three O’Clock High”. Everyone was waiting for him to fight after school. I get changed and walk to the track. There are 100 plus kids out there. Teachers have congregated. Some walked out to the track because they thought that there was going to be a fight. Whenever you see a giant migration of kids, you know something is going down.I feel their silent support. “Show these kids who’s the boss.” There is a megaphone. The kids line the track. Shit.

         I knew I was in trouble but I couldn’t back out. My running shoes felt weird for some reason. Then I remembered that my god forsaken dog had pulled the insole out the night before. Shit. No excuses. Let’s do this. I’m on the line and the countdown begins. We start.

         Within the first ten metres I’m back a step. Shit. Maybe the kid will get tired. Nope. He starts to pull away. I push on. I am maxing out. He pulls ahead. Then the worse thing happens. The kid turns around and slows down. Damn. I can’t catch him. I know its over. I am 35. Shit. I will never beat a 17 year old again. I feel the collective disappointment of the crowd. Some kids actually believed I could win. I feel great for the kid I raced. He defended the natural order. Could I have run tits out for a 100 metres before Operation 180? Nope. Did I love the spectacle of it all? Yep. Was it worth it? For sure.

Observation #72 My Fitness Bucket List

Now that I getting closer to something resembling fitness opposed to what I was before (titness), I thought I would make a list of fitness goals I would like to accomplish before I get my scooter. I hope to one day join one of those scooter gangs that hang out at local Tim Hortons. Before that, however, there are some things I would like to try and accomplish.

Goal #1: Run 5k in less than 30 minutes. I think I am close to this one already. I’ve got it down to about 33 minutes. I just can’t seem to find those last three minutes. I hate running but I think 30 minute mark is the standard. Running for that long jiggles up my insides too much. I always think about that when I’m out there. Gotta get past the urge to pull over.

Goal #2: 10 chin-ups in a row. Chin-ups are a man’s exercise. Clubber Lang. For the record, I can’t even do one in a row. Its like peeing sitting down. One day would like to do one. Then more than one. Then ten.

Goal #3: Bench Press my weight. Not sure what strategy I am going to choose. Lose a tonne of weight to make it easier or get all musclely and jack it up.

Goal #4: Complete a triathlon.  For many years, my family and I volunteered at a local triathlon. Every year I said, “I need to do this one day.” I am not a good swimmer and that may prevent me from ever doing it. In fact, I’m not really a good runner either. This one may be the hardest.

Goal #5: Touch a basketball rim. I may just be too short but I would love to be able to touch the rim. Mad hops. I can barely get mesh right now.

Goal #6: Complete a century. I really think that this would be easiest for me at this point. I’ve completed a century before but that was many moons ago. One hundred miles on the bike in one day. Get the Penaton ready.

Goal #7: Climb Effingham Hill. There is a really big hill near my house. I would love to be able to climb it on my bike. I think I might cry if I got to the top of it. I am scared of it right now. I have clipless pedals and I am scared that I will crap out halfway up and I won’t be able to clip out before falling over. Fall down, go boom.

Goal #8: Join a team. Growing up, I didn’t know anything other than being on a team. I miss it. I really feel like being a member of a team is something that we as grown ups lose. As a society, we have a sort of false connectivity. Now that my girls are a little bit older, this may be a possibility.

When I first thought about this list I thought I would be clever and combine the word “fitness” and “bucket list”. That’s a whole other list.

Start of Week 19

I started at 261.4 and have lost 55.4 lbs. I only lost a little bit and it was a struggle all week. This week I am going ancient history on my ass. I am going alternate a "300" workout and a "Spartacus" workout. Don't misinterpret my disappointment the last couple weeks. I am over the top with my weight loss so far. I have to keep pushing for the goal to keep my motivation up. Thanks for the support. I would love to be sub 200 next week. We will try.

Observation #71: Week Ten Challenge: Canada Fitness

         “Here is your Participation Pin.” The most dreaded thing any elementary school aged boy could hear. During my younger years, the government had a fitness plan for children called the Canada Fitness program. Its secret codename was “Fitness through Humiliation”. There were six exercises: Endurance Run 2400 m; Sit-ups; Shuttle Run (Bean Bags 10 m apart); 50 m Sprint and the Standing Long Jump. There was also the most dreaded component that was dropped because kids were licking doorknobs to catch colds just to avoid it. The Flexed Arm Hang. They would time you to see how long you could hang from a chin up bar with your arms flexed at 90 degrees. My arms still hurt from a Flexed Arm test in 1984. The most interesting aspect of the Canada Fitness program was the award system they had. They set standards by age. They divided each exercise into ability level. Excellence. Gold. Silver. Bronze. Participation. They then added up all the exercises and the levels achieved. You could only get the Excellence level if you achieved the top level in each exercise. There would be a ceremony at the end of the school year where they would trot you across the stage to receive a badge based upon your achievement.

         The ceremony has got to be the reason they got rid of Canada Fitness. There would be a handful of kids to got the Excellence badges. Good for them. Then with each descending badge the humiliation grew exponentially. When they trotted the Participation Pin kids across the stage, damn, it was silent. The “Thanks For Coming Out” prize. I never got an Excellence badge and I never got the Participation Pin. I fell in the middle. Never singled out. They should do a study of the kids at both ends and see what their average salary is. The pressure and anxiety of Canada Fitness probably cracked a bunch of kids.

         Today’s kids all get Participation Pins. No one gets centred out. Not sure how I feel about this. We have bred the competitive nature out of our kids. We have created a generation that strives for mediocrity. I call them the “Survivor Generation”. On the reality show Survivor, the people in the middle usually win. The leaders and physical superior contestants get voted out because they are dangerous. The super weak get voted out because they can’t help their team win. Aiming for the middle. At the same time, you had to feel for that “walk of shame” the Participation Pin kids had to make.

         This week I put the Canada Fitness challenges in a circuit and tried to do each one everyday. It was a really good workout. I even confronted my fears and did the Flexed Arm Hang a couple of times. I omitted the Standing Long Jump at the urging of my wife. When we first started dating we went to a cottage together with some of her friends and their boyfriends. The boys got ultra competitive and had amongst other things a Standing Long Jump contest on the beach. I threw out my back and was in agony for the rest of the weekend. I didn’t tell my wife that I had wrecked my back. She just thought I was mad at her. She thought I was going to break up with her. I finally copped to what was really bothering me. Hence, no Standing Long Jump this week.

         On the last day I recorded my results. Based upon the requirements for an 18 year old (the oldest it goes) I would have gotten a Participation Pin. I would have done the dreaded walk. I was officially humbled.

Start of Week 18

I started at 261.4 and have lost 55.2 lbs. I did my Wanda Cook Triathlon training. I hate swimming or what I call "avoid drowning". This week I am going to do some circuit training with a deck of cards. Different suits are different exercises. The number is the amount that I do. I have two months left. I need to lose more than 3 lbs a week if I want to get to 180. Looking dire.

Observation #70: What Has Worked So Far

I thought I would try to break down what has worked for me so far into three simple rules. I know no two people are alike but maybe some of this stuff can work for other people.

Rule #1: Everyone needs a Wilson. We are not islands. Well, I guess I was getting close to the size of an island. The thing is, there are so many different people going through the same thing. You need to put yourself out there. The Facebook thing has been amazing for me. I tried to do the opposite of what alot of people do on Facebook. You know when people take a self portrait holding the camera up high or they post a picture from Y2K. I showed most of my warts with the scale pics. I guess could have went further with a Speedo shot. Can imagine on a newsfeed, me in a banana hammock? Sandwiched between shots of kids in their Halloween costumes. Neither a trick or a treat.

Rule #2: SMART goals. Maybe they aren’t some bullshit education buzz word. Six months is a long time. Especially in the weight loss game. Not sure I lasted longer than a month in any other previous weight loss attempts. To last six months, you need to feel some sort of accomplishment on the short term. My weekly challenges have kept me so motivated. In fact it distracts me from the long term goal. The weekly challenges need to be SMART goals to work. Specific. Measurable. Attainable. Realistic. Timely. The realistic part is dicey. You have to push yourself. Make the unrealistic a reality. That should be on some douchebag’s T-shirt at the gym.

Rule #3: Its not a diet, its a lifestyle change. People always say it but I am not starving myself. I am not cutting out all bread. When I hear people radically altering their eating habits I just feel that they may experience initial success but they will bounce back even worse. When I did Atkins it worked really well. When it was over I relapsed bad. I am like the Lindsay Lohan of dieting. You’ve got to find something that you can live with long term. You can’t live forever on a soup diet. Imagine eating cabbage every day for the rest of your life.  Its not going to work. Forget the cheat day. Cheat every day. Just a little taste. After a while looking good makes you forget that bite-sized Snickers.

Bonus: Success breeds success. I have dropped a couple of cup sizes. Time to burn that bra and keep it rollin'.