Observation #18 Austerity Sucks

Losing weight was hard but there was an euphoria attached to it. There was a high. When I stepped on that scale and it was down, damn, it felt good. Real good. I don’t feel the same way about saving money. Where is the juice? Where is the high? Hey, I saved 50 cents on yogurt. It is not as cache as I hoped it would. The buzz off a “two for one” Happy Meal at McDs has left me empty.

Is this Operation 180 a lost cause? Well, I have paid off almost three grand on my line of credit. Has it charged my life force? My life force? That is some Deepak Chopra shit. The answer is no. It has not changed me at all. The focus on saving is doing nothing for me. 

Let’s state the obvious. I am not going to be able to pay off the whole 10 grand in the 180 days. Is it moving in the right direction? Sure. Have I been making it rain? No.

My little mission to get out of the hole is a microcosm for the current approach to the global economic crisis. The solution. Instead of generating revenue, governments have decided to spend less. The result. Pissed off people.

If you feed someone Twinkies all their life and then tell that person they are eating nothing but spinach, you are going to have one angry person. Where are my Twinkies? Trust me I’ve been through it. Take Greece as an example. They spend and spend and spend. They add the Olympics to their responsibilities. Someone wakes up and figures it out. Shit. We are spending money we don’t have. People want us to pay up our debts. We have to cut back. When the people don’t know any different it is like yanking that Twinkie right of their mouths. 

The issue with austerity measures is that they are not sexy. It does nothing to inspire. Taking away vs. adding. This is the issue I am having with my approach. If I was making new money instead of limiting my spending, I would be excited to continue. This is the problem government is having. It is telling the people that they have to deal with less without inspiring them to make more. To innovate. To create. The problem is compounded when there is government waste. Every time a politician takes a military helicopter to a fishing resort or orders a fifty dollar glass of orange juice, it undermines the sacrifice. 

Eliminate the waste. The People will make haste. 

Get rid of the trash. The People will make the cash.

I was just spitballing some T-shirt ideas. Hey, maybe this is my money making idea. My own stimulus.

Do you think a government being more frugal is the best approach? Do you think stimulus is the best approach? Combination?

Observation #17: Can you buy happiness?

I recently watched a TED video about the feeling that spending money gives people. They basically said that when people spend money on others they feel much better than when they spend it on themselves. This raises an interesting question: Is there a difference between giving money away to people you know (gifts) versus giving money to strangers? 

I run into people all the time who say, “My wife and I don’t exchange gifts.” For me, buying someone something they weren’t expecting is awesome. It’s like, I know what this person really wants. I am in tune with this person. Seeing my mom cry when my dad bought her an iPad was awesome. 

Would my dad have felt the same way if he had bought himself an iPad? Definitely not. I mean my father still calls the internet “The Dubya Dubya Dubya.” IPad or not, he loves to see my mom happy.

Charity. I try to give when I can. I feel like I do it more out of guilt than anything else. When you are at Wal-mart at the cashier and they say “Do you care to donate a dollar to...?” Well of course I do. What would the people behind me in line think if I didn’t say yes? Do I feel good about it? Not really. Guilt is not virtuous.

The skepticism that surrounds charity has become so pervasive. Where does my money actually go? Administration. CEOs. Warlords. If one penny goes to someone who needs it isn’t that two more pennies than they would have had? It is the faceless part of charity that makes it difficult. I think due diligence is necessary. Research the charity you are giving to. Let’s level with each other. Who has that type of time? When doing good, blind faith may be enough and it may have to be enough. We can’t let these worries prevent us from helping others.

I think it is easier to give money or gifts to the people around you because the response is immediate and you witness the impact it has. I will agree with all the anti-consumerists out there that say that a kind word or time spent with a loved one is worth more than any gift. “Valentine’s Day is a holiday created to sell chocolates and cards or Christmas has become so commercialized.” Bah humbug! Anti-consumerist is latin for cheap son of a bitch. That may be a little extreme. Making people feel good should be paramount. Happiness is contagious. Make someone happy.


Can money buy happiness? Do you give to charity? Do you exchange gifts?

Observation #16 Are You Worth Your Salary?

As I watch the NBA playoffs, I am reminded of how short and uncoordinated I am. If I played one-on-one against any NBA player, I bet I could score two baskets. The ole “your shoe lace is untied” trick. I’m not above that. Maybe a kick to the shin. Not above that either. The real thing that I am reminded of is how often people say “Athletes make too much money.”

Kobe. The Black Mamba. Five rings. Probably not someone who grabs beers with the guys after work but easily the best player of his generation. “Hello, I’m right here,” says Tim Duncan. Right about now, a bunch of the ladies are like, “Pinterest, needs some pinning.” or secretly, “I’ve got two Fifty Shades of Grey sequels to read.” Anywho. Kobe makes 25.2 million dollars a season minus endorsements. Snap. 

Is he worth it?

Hell yeah.  The Los Angeles Lakers make over $200 million dollars a year without merchandise. The money that Kobe Bryant generates for others is huge. What about the people that are employed because Kobe can put the ball in the basket and asses in the seats? The people who work at the arena in Los Angeles. The people who work in the arenas around the league. The parking attendants. The media that cover him. The people who manufacture and sell his jersey. The impact is huge. Not even scratching the surface.

A Marxist would say Kobe should be making more money. Why should others benefit so much from Bryant’s labour? 

Do doctors make too much money? Someone who can save my life is invaluable. Following that logic, a personal trainer should make just as much. What about an actor? What value do you put on entertainment and how much a smile or a tear means to society? A garbage man. How much does driving down a street without mountains of garbage stinking it up worth to you? Is Zuckerberg worth billions?

It really is an interesting question. I really believe in the interconnectedness of everything. All jobs are valuable even though they are not compensated equally.

Do you think athletes make too much money? Should a garbage man make the same as a doctor?

Observation #15 Extreme Couponing

Planking. Tebowing. I’ve never done either. To be honest, I never will. Not because I can’t physically get back up off the floor, but I missed the trend. One “ing” I am trying to get on board with is couponing.

People who coupon are a unique group. They are a dichotomy. In one sense, they love to co-opt others. Turning others on to couponing. Referring others to websites with the best deals. Giving tips. Stoking the flames of savings. Whipping those in the trenches into a frenzy with the potential of keeping money in their pockets. In another sense, couponers are highly competitive. “I saved X amount of money.” The braggadocio. In your face. They may not acknowledge it but they want to save more than the next couponer.

I have been co-opted by the idea but the reality of couponing has confounded me in two ways:

Firstly, I don’t think I can hand the coupons over. It is a real public thing. Maybe I’m too sensitive. What will people think of me if I hand over a bunch of coupons? “Isn’t he a teacher? Why does he need to be clipping coupons?” I am conscious of the perception that teachers are cheap. What is the difference between teachers and canoes? Canoes tip. The other thing is that I like to keep a checkout line moving.  I would feel bad for the people behind me. I guess I just have a deep-seated need to be loved by everyone, including the guy holding the pound of bacon behind me.

Secondly, couponing might cost me more money than I would have normally spent. You may get an awesome coupon for something you wouldn’t normally buy. You may save on that product but overall you lose. Oh great, a dollar off cheese slices. I’ve got a half a pack of cheese slices in the fridge already. Waste.

I watched a show called “Extreme Couponing”. What a gong show. In some instances, the couponers were so proficient the grocery stores were paying them money at the end. Couponing was their lives. Everyone has a calling I guess. The thing is these people were buying things they didn’t need. Plus they had to buy huge quantities in order to maximize the savings. One lady bought over a hundred bottles of barbeque sauce. Now if she donated the sauce she couldn’t use to a food bank I would be on board. A modern day Robin Hood. Instead she had a basement full of food. Next week she was on Hoarders.

I am trying not to be judgemental. I think the only way I could get on board is if I developed some kind of system. If you could make a grocery list then seek out coupons, it might just work. You wouldn’t be buying stuff you don’t need. Then I would do my groceries at 2am so no one would see me do it.

Do you have a system that works? Are you an extreme couponer? Is it worth the time you commit to it?

Observation #14 Self-Made Millionaire

I was a watching television the other day. It might have been Judge Judy. (You can’t always be watching Downton Abbey and Charlie Rose) Someone described himself a self-made millionaire. This made me mad. What exactly is a “self-made” millionaire?

Do you live in a bubble? (Moop) Are you completely isolated? Were you raised by wolves in a cave with no contact with any human, suckling from the teats like Remus and Romulas? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you can legitimately claim the status of “self-made” millionaire. This guy can sorta claim to be self-made:

Even the man living off of garbage in a cave is still reliant on others for his livelihood. People have to throw stuff out for that guy to eat. Every successful person relies on others. They are not self-made. The education system. The healthcare system. Infrastructure. Police and firefighters. Without these things you won’t be successful. That’s why the term “self-made” millionaire makes me mad.

Some people have better opportunities. Some people have to overcome obstacles to be successful. The illusion that people do that on their own is a fallacy. I don’t want sound too political but the better the system, the greater the chance at success.

Don’t get me wrong. To be successful you have to take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves. That is where the individualism comes in. Working with what you are given.

It is our system. We pay for it. I hate paying for taxes just as much as the next guy. When politicians are charging 16 bucks for a glass of orange juice, I get pissed. For all the waste, I believe that the society that I have helped build and continue to build has given my kids a great chance to be successful. They won’t be self made millionaires. They will be society made millionaires that will take care of their daddy in his old age.

Observation #13 How much is your time worth?

Could you sub-contract your entire life? At least the shitty parts. Someone to do your laundry. Someone to clean up the dog poop after the winter snows melt away leaving a yard o’ turds. Someone to shovel the driveway or cut the grass. Someone to go to the movies to watch romantic comedies with your wife. When is the money worth it?

We used to have a person to come in every other week to clean the house. Man, did I feel guilty. Not about the rings in the toilet but about the money. It was $75 for three hours. The house would sparkle. It would smell good. For a brief time you would forget that you had a dog as the dog hair disappeared and that weird wet dog/poop on the paws smell evaporated. It was nice and yet for months I kept our housekeeper as a secret from my parents.

Cleaning house made my mother crazy. She worked full time so Saturdays were her day to catch up on cleaning the house. Unfortunately my brother and I took the full brunt of the madness that went along with the whirling dervish that was my mother on a cleaning mission. My father worked on Saturdays and he knew we were in for it. He would look at us as he left with eyes of sympathy. Maybe they were eyes of relief. Better us than him.

My parents recently got a cleaning lady. It was a bit of a waste because my mom would clean the house before the maid got there. “We don’t want her thinking that we are living like pigs over here.” When we had a cleaning lady we would straighten up abit but the majority of our cleaning was done by her. Was it worth it?

Our cleaning lady found another job. She referred us to someone else but we have yet to call her. We are cleaning our own house. Like Chris Rock would say, “You’re supposed to clean your own house.” That is an extra $150 a month. That is $1800 a year.

The question that begs to be asked is, “How much is your time worth?” The time that is now spent on cleaning, how much is it worth? What would I be doing instead of cleaning? Is the money worth the frustration of scrubbing the toilet?

I like a clean house. There is also a certain pride you take in your house. Point blank, there are just certain things in life that suck. Vacuuming is one of them. It would be arrogant of me to say that the time that I spend dustbusting is wasted because I was writing the great novel of the new millenium or I was sequencing DNA. I still have time for those things.

I miss that feeling of walking into a squeeky clean house. At this point the cleaning lady is on the shelf until we are in the black or our bathtub turns black.

Do you have a cleaning lady? Could you give it up?

Observation #12: What the hell happened to us?

There comes a weird point in your life when your parents become real people. You can have conversations with them. Talk as equals. Although I’m sure my mother still wouldn’t hesitate to grab a wooden spoon. She is tiny but she is mighty. I had a discussion with my folks about how they afforded to build my childhood home.

When you are a kid you are oblivious to the nuts and bolts of the operation. Food appears on the table and you just play soccer. You don’t know how it all gets financed. The one thing you do see is the effort. I know my parents worked hard. There is no question. How did my parents afford to build a house on their salaries?

My parents were not doctors and lawyers. I make more money than they did and yet I don’t think they would have ever carried as much debt as I do. They come from a generation that did not use credit. They bought it when they had it. It seems so simple. Make the money, spend the money. My generation does it ass backwards. Spend the money, make the money.

They are very conservative. They much prefer to invest their money in vehicles with guaranteed return. I would always say to them, “Mutual Funds, live a little”. They looked at them as voodoo. By doing so, they missed all of the market volatility of recent years that would have hurt their retirement nest egg. 

Despite their conservative investment strategy, they did one thing that seems completely contrary to their personalities. They bought a rental property in the 1980s. They bought it for cash from someone trying to quickly unload it. They cleaned it up. Rented it out. Sold it. They made crazy money. Enough money to be mortgage free when they built their new house. 

Not sure I would have the cojones to pull that off. More sadly, if I did and made my ass like they did, I would have surely bought many more rental properties. They didn’t. They didn’t re-up. They took the money and ran. That is discipline. That is what I lack. Not to generalize but I think my generation is in the same boat.

What happened to us? Did the success of our parents create a comfort level that killed our desire? The safety net always being there allowed us to take a university degree that wouldn’t lead to a job. Racking up debt because we always had what we needed as kids without seeing behind the curtain. Needing it now. Getting it now. We can complain all we want about demographics and how the baby boomers f**ked us. Instead of complaining about their lousy driving, instead of resenting them, let’s learn from them. Discipline.

Observation #11: 911 is a Joke..The Emergency Fund

The emergency fund. Does anyone have one? When you are trying to pay off debt, isn’t it an emergency? How much should your emergency fund be? When do you use it? Is a new huge flat screen TV to replace a smaller TV an emergency before the NCAA Tournament? My brain hurts.

Three years ago we had a meeting with our financial planner. I asked him if we should set up an emergency fund. He said no. If we ever had an emergency, we could use our line of credit. So we did. Now I have this blog.

I’m not saying that my line of credit wouldn’t have gotten so high if we had an emergency fund but the line of credit option was just too easy. I feel like lines of credit are like Oxycontin and credit cards are like heroin. Oxy is prescribed legitimately for pain but before people know it, they are hooked. Normal well-meaning people using their lines of credit because they can. Credit cards are different. Everyone knows they are evil. Don’t chase the dragon at 20 plus percent interest.

Certain experts say that you should have an emergency fund that would keep your family afloat for six months if you lost your job. This makes sense. I mean I got my will done and took out life insurance to take care of my girls if something happened to me. An emergency fund in place would be essentially for them. Taking care of my wife and kids is my number one priority.

On the other hand, say you saved 10 grand and let it sit there for times of emergency, is it an effective use of your money? Couldn’t that money be working for you? Paying down debt or your mortgage or an amazing vacation.

I think it would be so tempting to use that money for something if it was just sitting there. We live in a house that was built in the 1980s and it has the original furnace. It will need to be replaced. We have a powder blue Toyoto Matrix that will need to replaced. (A) because it is getting older and (B) because it is powder blue. There is a Gibson SG out there that needs a home. There are big expenses on the horizon.

Do we save for those things separately? Do we fund an emergency bucket of money in addition to these things? 

I was going to end with those questions but it seemed like a cop out to start with questions and end with questions. So here is my plan:

I will continue funnel money into an emergency fund. It is just $50 a month from me and $50 from my wife. Once my line of credit is paid off, I will increase that amount. If a big expense comes up, I will burn half of the emergency fund and use the line of credit to pay the rest. The cycle will start again. F**kin adulthood.

Do you have a emergency fund? What is more important saving or paying down debt?

Observation #10 How Much is that Doggy in the Window?

My brother is pretty awesome. He is an aware person. He knows what’s going on around him. I admire that. He is good with money. The one thing that he is really good at is knowing how much things cost. I have no idea what things should cost. I mean I can ballpark. I’m not buying the Brooklyn Bridge or anything but I have no idea what smaller items are supposed to cost.

How much is chicken supposed to cost? I don’t know what a good deal is. My bro will say, “Hey, they’ve got a good deal on chicken at Pupo’s”. I take his word for it. He loves it when the flyers come out. He can spot a deal.

I think a really good app would be one that tells you what things are supposed to cost. Do they sell chicken by the pound? I could look it up quickly and say, “That is a good deal.”

I feel like I throw money away sometimes. I wonder if it’s okay not to worry so much about every penny. Unless you are rich, you’ve got to always worry about money. Damn.

I guess it comes down to consciousness and laziness. If you really take notice of what you are buying, the cost of things becomes second nature. This is especially true of things you buy all the time like groceries. The other part of this is desire. Do I want to drive to another grocery store to get a better deal on toilet paper?

I think when people switch to auto-pilot, they get into trouble. This just doesn’t only apply to money. On the other hand, I think everyone desires the auto-pilot point in their life. Imagine a time when money doesn’t matter. If you want something, you just get it and there are no worries. It is covered. Most never get there. Shangri-la.

Remember when you were a kid? When you got old enough, you would buy whatever you wanted. I’ll show you, Mom and Dad. That bag of penny candy just isn’t as cool as I thought it would be. At least I knew how much a penny candy cost.

Do you think you know how much things are supposed to cost? Feelings?

Observation #9 If You Ask alot of Girls to Dance, One’s Bound to Say Yes!

If you have ten fishing rods in the water, you have a much better chance of catching a fish. The same rings true for dating. The key is the asking. Like Lord Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” God bless you, oh Great One. The same is true of reducing your monthly costs. If you don’t ask, you will continue to pay what you pay!

About a year ago, we found the house of our dreams. Well, that sounds dramatic but it is really nice. Buying the house meant a serious hit to the finances. For the first time, I had to really look at the bills we were paying because they were about to get alot more heavy.

The first thing I looked at was my phone bill. It was about $80 a month. I thought to myself, am I really paying almost $1000 a year to have telemarketers call me just as I sit down to dinner? When we set up our house the first time, I just did what my parents always did. On autopilot, I called the phone company and blindly set it up. Our land line was incredibly redundant. I carry a cell phone with me wherever I go. I wasn’t ready to give up the land line but things needed to change.

The second thing I looked at was my cable bill. There has been a Gallileo-type shift in society. I remember when television was the sun. It was how you remained informed and entertained. There is so much competition now. The Internet and particularly watching television on the Internet has replaced the television as the centre of the universe. The cable companies know that their business model is antiquated. Instead of changing, they are hoping that people don’t notice. I was renting two high-definition cable boxes and it was costing me a fortune. It was time for a change.

I called the cable company. I was ready for a fight. Here is how the conversation went (after I went through about three hours of prompts):

“Hi. I got a flyer in the mail from one of your competitors. I think I need to switch because they are offering me two HD cable boxes for free. I’ve never had a problem with your company but I can’t pass this up.”
“Ok. We will give you your cable boxes for free if you’ll stay.”
“Listen pal...Oh, ok.”

You mean for four years all I had to do was ask. Damn. How much more lady action would have I gotten if I had just asked more? Double damn. In addition to that, they lowered my bill even further because I transferred my phone to the cable company. Only $14 a month.

I went from a combined $230 a month to $125. I felt like an idiot. I think the land line is on its last legs and for that matter so is the cable. I bought something that allows me to stream the Internet on my television. This box coupled with a HD antenna could get me out indentured servitude to the mighty cable company. Baby steps. 

Just ask. Nine girls may slap you in the face but one is always willing to make the mistake of their life. Thank you Tara.

Observation #8 Shut that Kid Up, Just Buy Them the Toy!

I want this! I want that! No. Cue the waterworks. A possible tantrum in Aisle 4. It has been my mission in life to avoid being that guy that everyone is staring at as they drag their kid kicking and screaming out of a department store. You can’t help but stare. You inevitably think the person is a bad parent. You know their kid made some crazy demand and didn’t get their way.

My strategy has always been to be a few steps ahead. I tell my kids what our mission is and if we are successful then they can get something. I try to decide on what that is before we get there. It has worked so far. I have avoided the eyes burning holes into my bad parenting ass. Constantly bribing my kids to avoid public humiliation may not be the best solution. What am I teaching them?

The value of the dollar. Not to generalize but...The further we are from the boat, the less we value the mighty dollar. When people immigrate to a new country in search of opportunity and a better life, the goal of the first generation is to make good on that promise. With each successive generation, that drive to be successful is weakened. This is not always the case but the value of the dollar doesn’t mean as much when you know that someone will bail you out and/or get you what you want. Imagine being part of the first generation not to be as successful as the previous. Sad. Too far away from the boat.

How do you get your kids to value the dollar? My girls are 5 and 4. I can’t send them out into the hot sun to dig ditches but I don’t want to create spoiled brats either. Not sure if this will work but here is my plan:

1) Create a chore chart. Simple tasks. If they complete all five for the week, they will get an allowance of $5. Jeesh, that’s not very much. They might as well be making iPhones overseas. It’s not the amount, it’s the principle.

2) Set up three piggy banks for each girl. We have done this already but it has fallen by the wayside. Gotta stay consistent. One bank is labelled Spending. One is called Savings. The last is called Charity.

3) The girls receive five loonies or one dollar bills. They have to put at least one in each bank. The remaining two dollars can go in any bank they want. Once the Savings gets to $20, they can spend it.

It’s not a foolproof plan but I guess I am trying to teach them some financial literacy. I am trying to avoid buying them stuff every time we go out. If they want to bring some cash from their banks, no prob. It doesn’t hurt that Grandma and Grandpa slip money in their Spending bank when they come over. If all else fails they had fun decorating their banks with pictures of fairies and mermaids.

Observation #7 The 50/30/20 Budget

I’ve never really made a budget before. It’s always been willy nilly affair without a tonne of thought put into the long term. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve automated my savings. I have 200 bucks a month go into a retirement portfolio and 50 bucks a month (with $50 from my wife) goes into a joint account. It’s not much but it’s something. I want to up those amounts but not until I get out of the hole. 

The steadfast rule of budgeting is 50/30/20. Steadfast in the sense that most things that I’ve read point to this allocation as the healthiest. 

Fifty percent of your take home income goes towards your absolute needs. Fixed costs. Mortgage. Water. Gas. Hydro. Taxes.

Thirty percent goes towards your wants. Cable, Internet and Cell fall into this category as well as dinners, clothing, entertainment, toys for the girls. Wait. I may need to up this percentage. La La Loopsy ain’t cheap. Cable, Internet and Cell are hardly wants. I ain’t no pioneer. I need my Jersey Shore and Downton Abbey.

Lastly, twenty percent is supposed to go to debt reduction and savings. Paying off credit cards, student loans and of course lines of credit. Loan sharks. Bookies.

According to the breakdown, I should be contributing $920 a month to debt reduction and savings. With $250 going to savings, that leaves $670 to go onto the line of credit. Over the course of this current Operation 180, I would pay down $4020. Not too shabby. Not good enough.

I think the key is cutting down the “wants” percentage. I need a swapsy. For the next six months, I am moving to a 50/20/30 model. This will give me $1200 for savings and debt reduction. I could put $950 a month down on the line of credit. I would pay down $5700. Getting better.

I need $4300 extra. Damn. This is the crux of the challenge. I will find it. Where? Maybe I will call the local college and inquire about a modelling gig in a life drawing class. Hopefully, it’s not too cold in there.

Observation #6 Kid, You Ain’t a Kid No More

Not sure when it happened but I am old. Do remember when you were 18? Anyone in their 30s was just a douchebag who didn’t have any fun. I am that douchebag. I remember getting pubes and now they are turning grey. Shit. Hair no longer growing out of the top of my head yet sprouting with reckless abandon elsewhere. Everyone gets older physically. It’s the grown up decisions that weigh on you the most. Trying to figure out what bar to go to seemed like such a big decision. Now deciding who would have guardianship of my kids if something happened to me is the type of the garden variety decision that crosses my plate these days.

WVV. Will. Van. Vasectomy. Making a will is one the heaviest things I’ve ever done. Acknowledging your mortality is something that old people have to do. You would never think of making a will at eighteen. What would you give away? Your Chevette and your dirty mags? Making a will is something that everyone in their 30s has got to do. If you have kids then it’s irresponsible not to have one. Using the word “irresponsible” just gave me a shiver.

The minivan. I have two kids. I’m not worried what a minivan says about my station in life. “Hey, looks like Ventnor gave up. Nice Caravan.” I gave up a long time ago and I embrace it.

The vasectomy is a total punch to the brain. I haven’t made an appointment yet. Trying to stay out of the game. Then trying to get in the game. Back to the bench. That is a grown up surgery.

The other grown up decision that makes you think about your scooter and harassing young nurses is retirement. How much do you contribute to retirement savings when you have to pay off the debt that you have right now? If you don’t save anything, you will have to work forever. As a teacher, I will receive a healthy pension. My wife will not get any pension. We both contribute every month. It just comes out. No brainer. Could I use that $200 now? Hell yeah.

When you have to worry about your kids and your parents, you know you’re in the shit. It’s an interesting time. At least my life has some gravitas. Some reason. For the first time in my life, I am not the first thing I think about. It is liberating and at the same time, scary as hell.

Observation #5 CSI

I hate the CSI franchise. I have never seen an entire episode even though it seems to be on every channel in every other time slot. The dialogue is written so poorly that it has to be done like that on purpose. The flip of David Caruso’s glasses down past the bridge of his nose followed by his witty reparte is too much. “I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles.” Cue The Who. I always wonder about these highly rated shows that I’ve never seen. When is NCIS on? It is so popular that it has a spinoff. I can understand a Jeffersons spinoff.

The reason why I mention CSI is that I did some forensic accounting. I actually printed off my bank transactions for the last 6 months and tried to do some analysis. I ain’t so good at the numbers but I did my best. Tapping at the calculator. Finding the common denominator. Some long division. Imaginary numbers. I had to watch eight Khan Academy videos but I think I did it.

I wrote it all down but my dog got it and chewed it all up. As a teacher, I always accept the dog ate my homework excuse. I tried to piece it back together.

Here are some of the observations I made:

I spend way too much on food. If you read Observation #3, groceries falls within my wife’s responsibilities. During the first Operation 180, I took on a lot of the dinner preparation. Additionally, I get home way before my wife so it is much easier for me to make dinner. It is much more expensive to eat properly. That value menu at Taco Bell. I miss ordering from you. The one bonus is that we eat out alot less.

My largest expense besides my mortgage is my insurance payment. Between auto, life and home, I pay over 400 bucks a month. It just gets to you, doesn’t it? To be paying for something that you hope doesn’t happen is a mind f**k. It is a total necessity. I would never want something to happen to me and have my wife and kids not taken care of. It is a weird feeling to be worth more dead than alive.

Lastly, I use my debit card alot. With reckless abandon, I debit everything. It is very psychological. It is a piece of plastic. Buying something with actual cash is very real. It is quantifiable. It’s like when you are at the casino. The chips don’t feel like real money so you make bets that you would never make if it was actual money. It’s not real until you cash in your chips. I mean it is real but it doesn’t feel real.

I am slowly developing a plan to get out of the hole. Knowing how big the hole is and the reason why it’s getting deeper is a big step.

Observation #4 Spare Change

Flip the sofa cushions. Raid the tray between the driver and passenger seat. Damn. There is a quarter submerged in a spilt juicebox. Check on top of the washing machine. Empty your pockets.

It does seem strange that we generate as much as change as we do. I feel like I don’t carry cash anymore. All plastic. The way I like my ladies. Kidding. I had alot of coins lying around. It is money. It doesn’t really feel like it. I mean the dime. It’s so puny. Obviously when coins were first minted the dime was made of silver and the penny copper. Silver held more value. In the United States, there was actually a half-dime. It was so small they had to get rid of it. The bloody penny costs more to manufacture than it’s worth.

The first thing I thought I would do as part of my quest to eliminate my line of credit was to gather all my stray money in one place and take it to the bank. Reading that statement back, it sounds like there are one hundred bills strewn throughout my house. There is not. Occasionally, I do like to stand at the top of my stairs and make it rain on the foyer below. Lil’ Wayne style. Those aren’t Benjamins floating to the Earth. They are more like Lauriers or Lincolns.

I started to gather my coins. I found them everywhere. I had a huge container in the laundry room where I empty pockets before washing. In my car. Then a dilemma hit me. I contemplated smashing the piggy bank in my daughter’s room. I counted to ten and I didn’t. I was like a fiend. Bubbles trying to get a hit. I left no stone unturned.

I found some scratch tickets from Christmas. Twenty minutes of scratching. I got six bucks out of it. It all counts. I had some cash I took out for our Christmas vacation. I threw that into the kitty. In the end I had $364. Not a bad start. Big love to my brother who helped me roll the coins.