Observation #9 If You Ask alot of Girls to Dance, One’s Bound to Say Yes!

If you have ten fishing rods in the water, you have a much better chance of catching a fish. The same rings true for dating. The key is the asking. Like Lord Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” God bless you, oh Great One. The same is true of reducing your monthly costs. If you don’t ask, you will continue to pay what you pay!

About a year ago, we found the house of our dreams. Well, that sounds dramatic but it is really nice. Buying the house meant a serious hit to the finances. For the first time, I had to really look at the bills we were paying because they were about to get alot more heavy.

The first thing I looked at was my phone bill. It was about $80 a month. I thought to myself, am I really paying almost $1000 a year to have telemarketers call me just as I sit down to dinner? When we set up our house the first time, I just did what my parents always did. On autopilot, I called the phone company and blindly set it up. Our land line was incredibly redundant. I carry a cell phone with me wherever I go. I wasn’t ready to give up the land line but things needed to change.

The second thing I looked at was my cable bill. There has been a Gallileo-type shift in society. I remember when television was the sun. It was how you remained informed and entertained. There is so much competition now. The Internet and particularly watching television on the Internet has replaced the television as the centre of the universe. The cable companies know that their business model is antiquated. Instead of changing, they are hoping that people don’t notice. I was renting two high-definition cable boxes and it was costing me a fortune. It was time for a change.

I called the cable company. I was ready for a fight. Here is how the conversation went (after I went through about three hours of prompts):

“Hi. I got a flyer in the mail from one of your competitors. I think I need to switch because they are offering me two HD cable boxes for free. I’ve never had a problem with your company but I can’t pass this up.”
“Ok. We will give you your cable boxes for free if you’ll stay.”
“Listen pal...Oh, ok.”

You mean for four years all I had to do was ask. Damn. How much more lady action would have I gotten if I had just asked more? Double damn. In addition to that, they lowered my bill even further because I transferred my phone to the cable company. Only $14 a month.

I went from a combined $230 a month to $125. I felt like an idiot. I think the land line is on its last legs and for that matter so is the cable. I bought something that allows me to stream the Internet on my television. This box coupled with a HD antenna could get me out indentured servitude to the mighty cable company. Baby steps. 

Just ask. Nine girls may slap you in the face but one is always willing to make the mistake of their life. Thank you Tara.

Observation #8 Shut that Kid Up, Just Buy Them the Toy!

I want this! I want that! No. Cue the waterworks. A possible tantrum in Aisle 4. It has been my mission in life to avoid being that guy that everyone is staring at as they drag their kid kicking and screaming out of a department store. You can’t help but stare. You inevitably think the person is a bad parent. You know their kid made some crazy demand and didn’t get their way.

My strategy has always been to be a few steps ahead. I tell my kids what our mission is and if we are successful then they can get something. I try to decide on what that is before we get there. It has worked so far. I have avoided the eyes burning holes into my bad parenting ass. Constantly bribing my kids to avoid public humiliation may not be the best solution. What am I teaching them?

The value of the dollar. Not to generalize but...The further we are from the boat, the less we value the mighty dollar. When people immigrate to a new country in search of opportunity and a better life, the goal of the first generation is to make good on that promise. With each successive generation, that drive to be successful is weakened. This is not always the case but the value of the dollar doesn’t mean as much when you know that someone will bail you out and/or get you what you want. Imagine being part of the first generation not to be as successful as the previous. Sad. Too far away from the boat.

How do you get your kids to value the dollar? My girls are 5 and 4. I can’t send them out into the hot sun to dig ditches but I don’t want to create spoiled brats either. Not sure if this will work but here is my plan:

1) Create a chore chart. Simple tasks. If they complete all five for the week, they will get an allowance of $5. Jeesh, that’s not very much. They might as well be making iPhones overseas. It’s not the amount, it’s the principle.

2) Set up three piggy banks for each girl. We have done this already but it has fallen by the wayside. Gotta stay consistent. One bank is labelled Spending. One is called Savings. The last is called Charity.

3) The girls receive five loonies or one dollar bills. They have to put at least one in each bank. The remaining two dollars can go in any bank they want. Once the Savings gets to $20, they can spend it.

It’s not a foolproof plan but I guess I am trying to teach them some financial literacy. I am trying to avoid buying them stuff every time we go out. If they want to bring some cash from their banks, no prob. It doesn’t hurt that Grandma and Grandpa slip money in their Spending bank when they come over. If all else fails they had fun decorating their banks with pictures of fairies and mermaids.

Observation #7 The 50/30/20 Budget

I’ve never really made a budget before. It’s always been willy nilly affair without a tonne of thought put into the long term. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve automated my savings. I have 200 bucks a month go into a retirement portfolio and 50 bucks a month (with $50 from my wife) goes into a joint account. It’s not much but it’s something. I want to up those amounts but not until I get out of the hole. 

The steadfast rule of budgeting is 50/30/20. Steadfast in the sense that most things that I’ve read point to this allocation as the healthiest. 

Fifty percent of your take home income goes towards your absolute needs. Fixed costs. Mortgage. Water. Gas. Hydro. Taxes.

Thirty percent goes towards your wants. Cable, Internet and Cell fall into this category as well as dinners, clothing, entertainment, toys for the girls. Wait. I may need to up this percentage. La La Loopsy ain’t cheap. Cable, Internet and Cell are hardly wants. I ain’t no pioneer. I need my Jersey Shore and Downton Abbey.

Lastly, twenty percent is supposed to go to debt reduction and savings. Paying off credit cards, student loans and of course lines of credit. Loan sharks. Bookies.

According to the breakdown, I should be contributing $920 a month to debt reduction and savings. With $250 going to savings, that leaves $670 to go onto the line of credit. Over the course of this current Operation 180, I would pay down $4020. Not too shabby. Not good enough.

I think the key is cutting down the “wants” percentage. I need a swapsy. For the next six months, I am moving to a 50/20/30 model. This will give me $1200 for savings and debt reduction. I could put $950 a month down on the line of credit. I would pay down $5700. Getting better.

I need $4300 extra. Damn. This is the crux of the challenge. I will find it. Where? Maybe I will call the local college and inquire about a modelling gig in a life drawing class. Hopefully, it’s not too cold in there.

Observation #6 Kid, You Ain’t a Kid No More

Not sure when it happened but I am old. Do remember when you were 18? Anyone in their 30s was just a douchebag who didn’t have any fun. I am that douchebag. I remember getting pubes and now they are turning grey. Shit. Hair no longer growing out of the top of my head yet sprouting with reckless abandon elsewhere. Everyone gets older physically. It’s the grown up decisions that weigh on you the most. Trying to figure out what bar to go to seemed like such a big decision. Now deciding who would have guardianship of my kids if something happened to me is the type of the garden variety decision that crosses my plate these days.

WVV. Will. Van. Vasectomy. Making a will is one the heaviest things I’ve ever done. Acknowledging your mortality is something that old people have to do. You would never think of making a will at eighteen. What would you give away? Your Chevette and your dirty mags? Making a will is something that everyone in their 30s has got to do. If you have kids then it’s irresponsible not to have one. Using the word “irresponsible” just gave me a shiver.

The minivan. I have two kids. I’m not worried what a minivan says about my station in life. “Hey, looks like Ventnor gave up. Nice Caravan.” I gave up a long time ago and I embrace it.

The vasectomy is a total punch to the brain. I haven’t made an appointment yet. Trying to stay out of the game. Then trying to get in the game. Back to the bench. That is a grown up surgery.

The other grown up decision that makes you think about your scooter and harassing young nurses is retirement. How much do you contribute to retirement savings when you have to pay off the debt that you have right now? If you don’t save anything, you will have to work forever. As a teacher, I will receive a healthy pension. My wife will not get any pension. We both contribute every month. It just comes out. No brainer. Could I use that $200 now? Hell yeah.

When you have to worry about your kids and your parents, you know you’re in the shit. It’s an interesting time. At least my life has some gravitas. Some reason. For the first time in my life, I am not the first thing I think about. It is liberating and at the same time, scary as hell.

Observation #5 CSI

I hate the CSI franchise. I have never seen an entire episode even though it seems to be on every channel in every other time slot. The dialogue is written so poorly that it has to be done like that on purpose. The flip of David Caruso’s glasses down past the bridge of his nose followed by his witty reparte is too much. “I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles.” Cue The Who. I always wonder about these highly rated shows that I’ve never seen. When is NCIS on? It is so popular that it has a spinoff. I can understand a Jeffersons spinoff.

The reason why I mention CSI is that I did some forensic accounting. I actually printed off my bank transactions for the last 6 months and tried to do some analysis. I ain’t so good at the numbers but I did my best. Tapping at the calculator. Finding the common denominator. Some long division. Imaginary numbers. I had to watch eight Khan Academy videos but I think I did it.

I wrote it all down but my dog got it and chewed it all up. As a teacher, I always accept the dog ate my homework excuse. I tried to piece it back together.

Here are some of the observations I made:

I spend way too much on food. If you read Observation #3, groceries falls within my wife’s responsibilities. During the first Operation 180, I took on a lot of the dinner preparation. Additionally, I get home way before my wife so it is much easier for me to make dinner. It is much more expensive to eat properly. That value menu at Taco Bell. I miss ordering from you. The one bonus is that we eat out alot less.

My largest expense besides my mortgage is my insurance payment. Between auto, life and home, I pay over 400 bucks a month. It just gets to you, doesn’t it? To be paying for something that you hope doesn’t happen is a mind f**k. It is a total necessity. I would never want something to happen to me and have my wife and kids not taken care of. It is a weird feeling to be worth more dead than alive.

Lastly, I use my debit card alot. With reckless abandon, I debit everything. It is very psychological. It is a piece of plastic. Buying something with actual cash is very real. It is quantifiable. It’s like when you are at the casino. The chips don’t feel like real money so you make bets that you would never make if it was actual money. It’s not real until you cash in your chips. I mean it is real but it doesn’t feel real.

I am slowly developing a plan to get out of the hole. Knowing how big the hole is and the reason why it’s getting deeper is a big step.

Observation #4 Spare Change

Flip the sofa cushions. Raid the tray between the driver and passenger seat. Damn. There is a quarter submerged in a spilt juicebox. Check on top of the washing machine. Empty your pockets.

It does seem strange that we generate as much as change as we do. I feel like I don’t carry cash anymore. All plastic. The way I like my ladies. Kidding. I had alot of coins lying around. It is money. It doesn’t really feel like it. I mean the dime. It’s so puny. Obviously when coins were first minted the dime was made of silver and the penny copper. Silver held more value. In the United States, there was actually a half-dime. It was so small they had to get rid of it. The bloody penny costs more to manufacture than it’s worth.

The first thing I thought I would do as part of my quest to eliminate my line of credit was to gather all my stray money in one place and take it to the bank. Reading that statement back, it sounds like there are one hundred bills strewn throughout my house. There is not. Occasionally, I do like to stand at the top of my stairs and make it rain on the foyer below. Lil’ Wayne style. Those aren’t Benjamins floating to the Earth. They are more like Lauriers or Lincolns.

I started to gather my coins. I found them everywhere. I had a huge container in the laundry room where I empty pockets before washing. In my car. Then a dilemma hit me. I contemplated smashing the piggy bank in my daughter’s room. I counted to ten and I didn’t. I was like a fiend. Bubbles trying to get a hit. I left no stone unturned.

I found some scratch tickets from Christmas. Twenty minutes of scratching. I got six bucks out of it. It all counts. I had some cash I took out for our Christmas vacation. I threw that into the kitty. In the end I had $364. Not a bad start. Big love to my brother who helped me roll the coins.

Observation #3 What’s your Scenario?

Last year a woman I work with got engaged. She is currently married. After the glow of the proposal wore off, the reality of the day to day set in. She was close to 40. I think. Women’s ages have a four year spread. I always bet the under when speaking with them but privately bet the over. She had basically lived for herself for a long time. A single professional with no dependents can live a really good life. Lots of spending money. Lots of savings. That freedom was coming to an end.

She took an informal poll at work about how to merge her finances with his. There were several scenarios:

Firstly, there was the total merge of the two finances. I call this the “All In”. If it works, then you win a big pot. If you lose, you lose everything. You are the Russian twisting the Oreo. Your debt becomes their debt. Vice versa. All the money goes in, the bills are paid. The savings are joint. One credit card. Total transparency. 

Secondly, there is the “Two Islands” approach. This is how my wife and I run the show. I’m not sure how we decided to do it this way. It has just evolved this way. We have separate accounts. Separate credit cards. Separate everything. We have divided up our financial responsibilities. I pay the mortgage and the utilities. She pays the property taxes, the groceries and the daycare costs. This is not for everyone. We sort of just decide who will pay for stuff as it comes up. We trust that the other isn’t running us into the ground. When we run into problems we talk it out. Not sure how but it works.

Lastly there is the “Hokey Pokey”. You put a little in, you keep a little out. There is a shared pot in the middle. People contribute a certain amount each month into the pot and the expenses are paid out of it. You can keep a certain independence. You can buy a Valentine’s Day gift without saying “Don’t peak at the credit card bill”.

All of these scenarios have interesting control and power issues associated with them. Some people are simply donors. They are cool with it.Some people need to have the control. It can be stressful and hard on a relationship. You just have to do what works.

Observation #2 The Nuts and Bolts

When I was eliminating the titties I had an idea of what I needed to do. Eat less. Work out more. I am searching for that two point plan that will help me get out of the hole. Spend less. Make more money. There it is. It’s not that easy.

I am a teacher. I love the job. I know people hate teachers. Everyone had one that they hated. The summers off. Always asking for separate bills. I get it. I make good money. How can I make more money? Tutoring? Home schooling? Summer school? Perhaps.

I do feel guilty pursuing those options because there are a tonne of people coming out of teacher’s college without jobs. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a martyr. I do, however, believe that we  have to get as many young qualified people into the education field as we can. You know, people who can turn a computer on. We are failing to capture the minds of the youth with VHS movies. I digress.

How can I make more money? Rock and roll. Maybe but not sure I have the juice anymore. I thought if I could pick up a couple of gigs a month it could be worth it. Then I thought I could learn to play the ukulele and play 80s covers like this http://youtu.be/Yr2woarCpCY The sad reality is that I could never be that good. Plus is there anyone willing to pay for that?

I will figure out to make more money. This is the weaker part of the equation for sure. It will come to me. I know I am going roll all my coins as a start. I am going to try beat the house on Pro-line (sports lottery) I think I have a system. (I really know in my heart that it won’t work but it will be fun). I’ve got to find something that won’t take time from my girls.

The spending less part of the equation is where I need to make hay. This is my only way out. I know there is money just seeping out of my coffers. I need to find out where I spend my money. I know for a fact that I spend way too much money on food. I’ve gotta figure that out. Maybe I can reduce my bills somehow. Coupons. Last resort. I feel that people who use coupons just end up buying things they don’t need, just to save. That doesn’t work. I know I can spend less. I may have dumpster dive for my wife’s Valentine’s Day present but I will do it. I will do it for love.

I have to put over $1700 a month on my line of credit to pay it off in 180 days. Shit. How did I get into this mess? Do they still pay you for blood in the States?