Observation #3 What’s your Scenario?

Last year a woman I work with got engaged. She is currently married. After the glow of the proposal wore off, the reality of the day to day set in. She was close to 40. I think. Women’s ages have a four year spread. I always bet the under when speaking with them but privately bet the over. She had basically lived for herself for a long time. A single professional with no dependents can live a really good life. Lots of spending money. Lots of savings. That freedom was coming to an end.

She took an informal poll at work about how to merge her finances with his. There were several scenarios:

Firstly, there was the total merge of the two finances. I call this the “All In”. If it works, then you win a big pot. If you lose, you lose everything. You are the Russian twisting the Oreo. Your debt becomes their debt. Vice versa. All the money goes in, the bills are paid. The savings are joint. One credit card. Total transparency. 

Secondly, there is the “Two Islands” approach. This is how my wife and I run the show. I’m not sure how we decided to do it this way. It has just evolved this way. We have separate accounts. Separate credit cards. Separate everything. We have divided up our financial responsibilities. I pay the mortgage and the utilities. She pays the property taxes, the groceries and the daycare costs. This is not for everyone. We sort of just decide who will pay for stuff as it comes up. We trust that the other isn’t running us into the ground. When we run into problems we talk it out. Not sure how but it works.

Lastly there is the “Hokey Pokey”. You put a little in, you keep a little out. There is a shared pot in the middle. People contribute a certain amount each month into the pot and the expenses are paid out of it. You can keep a certain independence. You can buy a Valentine’s Day gift without saying “Don’t peak at the credit card bill”.

All of these scenarios have interesting control and power issues associated with them. Some people are simply donors. They are cool with it.Some people need to have the control. It can be stressful and hard on a relationship. You just have to do what works.