Observation #65 Death of a Great Man

Greatness is rare. Genius is a word that is used too flippantly. A man named Arch West passed away this week. He was 97 years old. That is a good run. He died of natural causes. When you pass you hope that you have left something behind. Making a difference in someone’s life. Mr. West did that. He invented the Dorito. People were asked to throw Doritos at the graveside ceremony. A fitting tribute.

His passing got me thinking. The man who created the pinnacle of the snack world lived to 97 years of age. Jim Fixx. He was a man just as great as Arch West. He died at the age of 52 of a massive heart attack. Mr. Fixx wrote a book in 1977 called “The Complete Book of Running”. He basically launched the fitness craze in America. The Dorito guy outlived the “jogging guy” by 45 years. Hmmm. A half and hour on the track or a bag of Sweet Chili Heat? Talk about mixed messages.

Here’s the rub. Fixx had fitness but he also had stress in his life. Two failed marriages. A stressful occupation. A smoker for 20 years. Being fit is only part of the equation. You have to figure out the things that led to your weight gain in the first place. If you can solve those issues, the weight loss is secondary. The weight that is lifted is both physical and emotional.

The other thing that I found interesting was that Arch West’s favourite flavour was Cool Ranch and the flavour he liked the least was the cheeseburger flavour. That’s what made him great. I never met a chip I didn’t liked until the cheeseburger dorito. It tastes like ass, if I ever tasted ass. When I go to MacDonalds I order plain cheeseburgers. Sometimes they screw it up and give me a regular cheesburger. Gag. That’s what cheeseburger doritos taste like. Arch West RIP.

Start of Week 13

I started at 261.4 and have lost 43 lbs. The two-a-days were tough. I managed to do it four times. 5:30 am does exist and there are people who do it everyday. This is the half way point. I have 37 more pounds to lose. Oh boy!

Observation #64: Week #9 Challenge: 100 Laps of the Track

I hate running. I decided long ago that someone told me that I had flat feet and that is what I go with as an excuse for not running. Its probably not true. I should maybe find out. Excuses are great security blankets. To cuddle with and snuggle with when the storm comes. Well, the storm rolled in. One hundred laps of the track. It may be the hardest thing I have ever done. Why do things that you know you can do? Because its easy dumbass. I suppose the easy road is how I got into this mess in the first place.

I decided that if I did fifteen laps a day I would end up with 105 laps which is that actual distance (-1 lap) of a full marathon. The problem with this equation is that you have to basically run a 5k race every day for a week. Shitty. The other problem was that I hadn’t run outside much since beginning Operation 180. It is way harder than the treadmill. The one good thing is that two local high schools have tracks open the public 24/7. So I had no excuses. It was strange to run on my old high school track. I remember having to run the track in gym class. Many moons ago. It didn’t seem as far back then.

I did the fifteen laps five days in a row. I thought it would get easier but it got increasingly more difficult as the laps started to pile onto each other. For the most part, I would run 12 laps (5k) then walk the last three. One thing I didn’t account for was the bugs. I think I might have lost more weight that week but I ingested probably four to five pounds of bugs. One night I came home after running and my daughter started looking at me weird. “You’ve got bugs all over your face.” The sweat had captured at least a hundred bugs. Stuck to my forehead. Imagine that news report in the bug world. “100 dead. Bizarre sweaty man accident claims innocent lives.”

It was made more difficult when I missed a day. I had to do 20 and 25 laps on the last two days. I had to walk more of the laps but it got done. It felt like a major accomplishment. Tiny victories.

Observation #63 Happiness

How do you achieve happiness? I was not happy at 260 pounds. I had an amazing wife. Two unbelievable children. I had my parents and brother. I had good friends. There was a void. I didn’t like that way I looked and felt. Two fried eggs for tits. My belly button getting deeper and deeper, collecting more and more. More lint than a dryer tray. The thing that depressed me was that I let it happen. I think the key to happiness is action. If something isn’t working you’ve got to do something. Unhappy people are the ones who have stopped trying. You have to make happiness.

Some things can’t be changed. Shitty things happen. The last two years have been difficult. The things that happened could not be changed. They still can’t be changed. I had to let them go. I could change my weight. That is the definition of happiness. Changing the things that can be changed and letting go of things that you can’t. Action. You need to work for it.

Taking action doesn’t have to be Operation 180 or going crazy. The tiniest things build happiness in yourself and others. Take tiny steps. Take steps. Appreciate and be mindful. Call your parents and thank them. Ask for help. Help a co-worker. Go out for dinner with your friends. Is there something you can change today about yourself that would put you on the path to happiness? Do it. The culmination of all the tiny steps can build into a groundswell. In uncertain times, happiness is achievable if you can recognize that it doesn’t take much to achieve. All you need is to do something, anything.

Observation #62 Stray Observations about The Biggest Loser

Tonight the latest edition of the television show Biggest Loser debuted. As I mentioned before, I used to curl up with a bag of Sweet Chili Heat and watch people try and lose weight. Cruel on both ends. Now as a “big loser” myself there are some things upon closer inspection that make me wonder about the show.

First off, why do they make the contestants take their shirts off when they weigh in? Those people don’t want their bodies put on display. By the end of the season, they weigh in with their shirts on. I guess flabby bodies are better to look at than saggy skin. I mean sports bras and spandex. I guess that’s what they sign up for.

At the first weigh-in people lose incredible amounts of weight. Someone lost 27 pounds in one week. I have a nagging suspicion that they fill these people up with water before the first weigh-in. One huge whiz and you are down 10 pounds. I mean these people are working hard but 27 pounds in one week?

The pregnant pause as they reveal a person’s weight on the scale is agonizing. When they cut to a commercial before they reveal a person’s weight and they show the faces of the trainers scrunched up. Like they are passing a stone. Just give us the weight.

Bob’s forehead. Enough said. The guy who developed the Biggest Loser is JD Roth. The host of the greatest game show for kids, “Fun House”. Genius. Too many men crying. Enough said. Check that. I think I may cry if i get to 180. Mostly out of relief. I won’t have millions of people watching me though. In fact if I’m at 181 I may cry, whiz, poop anything to get that one pound off.

Lastly, I admit that the best part of the show is the last 30 seconds when they show how the contestant looks after losing the weight. It is inspiring to see people making positive steps to extending their lives. I only wish I had nothing but time to workout and have my meals prepared for me. These people are not living in a realistic environment but does it matter how you get there? You pray that beyond taking the weight off, the contestants have sorted out the reason their weight got out of control in the first place.

Observation #61 The Secret

My buddy Pete is the skinniest man I know. He said his secret was the supermodel diet. Cigarettes and coffee. Some people swear by the low carb route. The secret is to deprive yourself of sugar so your body has to release stored energy found in fat cells. Some people believe that the cleanse is the best way to go. The colon blow. It is reported that Elvis had sixty pounds of impacted fecal matter when he died. That’s a lot of peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Plus whose job is it to measure that? Some people love the cabbage soup diet. Some believe that eating a grapefruit with every meal will lead to weight-loss. Some believe that a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar is key. How bout chasing that grapefruit with a shot of vinegar? That might be the secret. Tasty. Oprah has the secret. Put it out in the universe. “Dear universe, I want to be skinny.” Hello, is there anyone out there?

I think the common factor in all of these diets is eating less. Not sure it matters what you eat but you’ve got to eat less of it. In terms of a secret, there isn’t one. I think that I’ve wasted a lot of time looking for one. I just got plumper as I looked for it. What would be the thing that I could do to be fit? What supplement? What weird and wonderful shake could I make? What quick fix is out there to take care of these rolls? Oh, a magic berry. Dr. Oz told me it would work. I might as well went down the yellow brick road to the Wizard of Oz for a solution.

The longer Operation 180 goes on, I think the secret isn’t a secret at all. It doesn’t come in a pill. You can’t ground up black bear penis. You can’t wish for it. The key to success unfortunately is hard work. Hard work, what? That sucks. It does but it works everytime.

Start of Week 12

I started at 261.4 and have lost 41.2 lbs. The skipping was pretty good this week. Who knew? This week, now that football is back, I am doing two-a-days.

Observation #60 Renewing My Vows

I was listening to the Jason Ellis show on Sirius and he said something profound about marriage, particularly from the male perspective. He said, in a crude way, that there is one indicator as to the strength of a marriage. If you were alone in a parking lot and a women offered to hop in your backseat, would you do it? If your marriage is strong, no way. The guilt would kill you and it would be unfair to your wife. If your marriage isn’t strong, you think about it. You won’t get caught.

The same rings true for my weight loss. If there was a Hostess cupcake sitting on a table and no around, do I make sweet love to it? At this point in Operation 180, my relationship isn’t as strong as it was at the beginning. It has been three months and instead of the relationship is getting stronger, the opposite is true. I have lost 40 lbs but I committed to losing 80 lbs. The weight came off quick and easy at the beginning but it has slowed to a trickle.  I am busting my ass in the gym but its not producing the results I want. Now the temptations are getting stronger and stronger. I find myself wandering around in that parking lot hoping for something to happen.

It is time now for me to renew my vows. I’m heading to a beach in Hawaii. “Adam, do you take Operation 180 as your lawfully wedded goal.”

“I do.”

There is room for me to tighten up my diet even further. I can continue to push myself at the gym. I told a friend from work that I was afraid that I might not make it to 180 lbs. Instead of saying, “Look at what you’ve accomplished. You’ve lost almost 40 lbs.”, he said, “You’ve just gotta do it.”

I’ve just gotta do it.

Observation #59 Parenting

My number one parenting philosophy is to make your kids as normal as possible. As soon as you try to make them unique or extraordinary is when you mess them up. Unique names. Apple. Moon Unit. You are getting a swirlie. Unique clothing. Wedgie. If the kid wants a Barbie backpack, get it. Don’t get righteous and say that your kid won’t get sucked into the evils of mainstream consumption. When they go to school with an Evel Kinevel lunch pail that you think is awesome, they will be shunned. Make your kids as normal as possible. I am not setting low expectations for my kids. I want the sky for my kids but I want them to make the choices, not me. If my kid wants a Rainbow Brite T-shirt because she thinks its old school, I will get it. Her choice.

The problem with my philosophy is eating. I want my kids to be normal. I don’t my daughters to go to a party never have eaten cake. Never had a sip of pop. Never had a cookie. What’s a gummie worm? I guess I’m afraid if I hide those things from them that they will go hog wild once they do have access to them. I remember that they had to ban pixie sticks and Jolt cola at my elementary school because the kids were going crazy. At the same time, I don’t want them to develop the bad habits that I developed.

I want my kids to have a good relationship with food. I want them to make the right choices. I don’t want them to be the “never had sugar” kids either. I think its kind of weird when parents say no to their kids but are eating whatever they want. That’s not fair. Do as I say not as I do. Its kinda bullshit. I want to be an example for my kids and moderation and normalcy is the example I want to set.

Observation #58 Weighted Words

My brother once lost over 100 pounds. Someone said to him, “Now that you lost all that weight, I gotta ask how did you get so fat in the first place?’ Yikes. I think sometimes people think that if someone loses a lot weight that they are a new person. They are the same person dealing with the same issues that led to the weight gain. Someone said to me, “I remember when your belly was way out to here.” What am I supposed to say to that. “You are right. I was real fat f**ker.” I am still that fat f**ker just in a different body.

I really appreciate all of the warm comments that I have been receiving. Maybe I am just senstive because I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my old friends. Col. Sanders. The Burger King. Wendy. I miss them all. People are trying to say nice things. There is one thing that has been said to me a bunch of times that could be taken the wrong way. “You’ve really inspired me. Now that you are getting close to my weight. I feel like I need to lose some weight myself.” So I getting near your weight, a weight which you feel fat at. WTF. I’m not mad at those people in the least. Hopefully people will work to get healthier even if its so I don’t weigh less than them.

I think I might have heavier than I thought. I always say this to my wife. I’m not sure that you can ever have an objective view of the way you look. I mean you look in a mirror and you flop your boobs around and slap your belly like a sumo wrestler. You know you are out of shape. It may be like the ole boiling frog syndrome. You look at yourself everyday in the mirror. You don’t notice the changes. What if you could only look at yourself once a year? Then the reality might hit harder. So when people say you almost weigh what I weigh, it may be more of a compliment. They considered you way heavier then they were. They were comfortable in their skin relative to you. Once those ratios get thrown out of wack, they get dropped in the boiling water.

Observation #57: Week Eight Challenge

The Burj Khalifa in Dubai is the tallest buiding in the world. The poor old CN Tower. Once a building is no longer the tallest in world, its just a really tall building. For the week eight challenge, I decided to climb the amount stairs it would take to climb the Burj Khalifa. There are 3234 stairs to the top. I climbed 8200 stairs. I guess the number wasn’t as important as the workout. I ran up and down the stairs at school. I also did the stair climber and a stair climbing treadmill.

There was a city-run day camp running at the school while I was climbing the stairs. A couple of observations. Some kids just don’t respect (fear) adults. There was one kid who the councillors obviously couldn’t handle. They would stick him in the gym by himself. One day he found a tennis racket and like a hundred tennis balls. He proceeded to try to fire the balls into the balcony where I was on the stair machine. Ball after ball flying at me. “What are you doing?” He never answered. He just gave up after awhile. I thought to myself, “What a little shit.” Then I thought at least he was getting some exercise.

Second observation: Little kids will play the most ridiculous games. They were running around dressed as pirates. Doing scavenger hunts. It was refreshing. No scruples about how stupid they looked. I wonder at what age that disappears. Teenagers do not want to look stupid. So in my experience they rarely try something new. This attitude is pervasive. It extends from the classroom to the sports field. I wonder if its always been like this or if its a new thing. I think part of it develops from the fact that kids are spending increasingly more time physically on their own. X boxing instead of boxing. I saw this documentary on jazz. Every punk rock kid goes through their jazz phase. One thing that was said stayed with me. A dancer said that society changed when people stopped dancing as couples. We are becoming islands. Sports teams at the high school level are having a tough time fielding teams.

We have got to find a way recapture the bravery of youth. We need to find a way encourage a generation to get together and participate before they become a lost generation.

Week 8 Challenge: Grade A

Next week's challenge: 100 laps around the track

Observation #56 Women and Weight-loss

“Hey, Ventnor. You are a real asshole.”

Wow. I quickly ran many scenarios in my head. What stupid comment did I make to make her mad? “Sorry.”

She quickly explained that I was an asshole because of the weight I lost. Again I apologized. She said that she hated how easy it is for men to lose weight. Granted, if it was really easy I would have done it a long time ago. Relatively speaking, I imagine it is easier for men to lose weight. It sucks for the ladies.

I think the boobs are the first problem. Getting in the way. Plus, the more muscle you have, the easier it is lose weight. The round mounds will never be fat burners. The second problem with women and weight loss is the time. My wife has given me a tonne of time to workout. I think the day to day demands of a woman’s life certainly make the scheduling for working out and eating healthy that much more difficult. The third issue is hormones. I will never understand the female body. I mean I understand what I need to understand but the hormonal roller coaster will remain a mystery to me. When a woman busts her ass on the Biggest Loser and only loses a little bit, Bob’s face gets all scrunched up. I wish the contestant would just tell the crowd what’s going on. “Bob, I was a bit bloated this week.” That would unscrew his face. Let’s not forget that women were made to carry babies. Those genetics put you up against it.

I live in a house full of ladies. So its Ladies First in my life. I am a lame duck so I have no choice but be sympathetic. It may be take longer for women to lose weight but as long as they get there in the end, we all benefit. You feel better and hopefully I get to feel more often.

Observation #55 Plateau

The dreaded P word. When you are losing a lot of weight, the word “plateau” is a word that carries as much consequences as the word “cookies”. You bust your ass. You watch what you eat. The weight just doesn’t come off. This is a super dangerous time. Its like the old “Why do bad things happen to good people?” question. It is really easy to throw your hands up and say why am I doing this? Put the keys down. You don’t need to make a run for the border for a Volcano Double Beef Burrito. Get your hands off that piece of chocolate cake.

So what to do weight stops coming off? You could go either way. You have to change something. Once I hit the 230s, I was on a big roll. Then everything slowed down. Its like your body wakes up and figures out something is going on. It fights tooth and nail against what’s going on. This is when I usually pack it in and eventually pack it on. What I am finding is that your body does freak out when it figures that the weight is coming off but it also embraces it after awhile. Heart: “WTF? What is this exercise bullshit?” Lungs: “I hear you bro. I never work this hard.” Stomach: “Shut up you whiny crybabies. I feel like red-headed step-child down here.” Heart: “I am pumping a lot more. Shit. Might as well go with it.”

This is where the scale really kills you. Even though you hit a plateau in terms of pounds coming off, you feel better and better all the time. That’s what you need to embrace. It is tough when you’ve told the world that you are going to be 180 lbs in 180 days. At least by setting that goal, I was able to push through that plateau. There will be more. Stay the course. Ignore the scale. Remember you used to be winded at the top of the stairs.

Observation #54 Abs

To me,  abs are a mythical thing. The yeti. Nessie. Britney Spears’ actual voice. I’ve never had them and I’m not sure I could handle that type of power. The Situation from Jersey Shore is a perfect example of the abuse of power. He uses his abs as a weapon. He uses them as a means of communication. Instead of saying “Hi. Nice to meet you. Can I buy you a drink?” He just lifts his shirt. DTF.

Everyone has heard the belly jokes. “I don’t have a six pack, I have a keg.” or “ It’s not a belly, it’s a fuel tank for my love machine.” Real grandpa slogans. Pull my Finger. It is strange how the belly has been embraced as a symbol of manhood. “I put alot of effort into this belly.” We rub it like expectant mothers. Maybe it will lead us to enlightenment with a rub. It is usually a package deal with the bald spot. A badge of honour to the male aging process. Maybe by embracing it, we make it ok to be getting old and out of shape.

I want to lose my belly. I don’t want to be old. I think that pull my finger is funny but I’m not ready to go out to pasture. I do have the bald spot. (Solar panel for my love machine) I am definitely a grown up. I have a freaking will and even worse, a mortgage. Nevermind by Nirvana is twenty years old. Shit. What’s next? ED. I can’t even say those words. I don’t need abs but I don’t want to be the proud expectant father of a beer baby either. I am getting old but I am tired of being tired. I am getting up there in age but I don’t want to feel old. I want to feel like teen spirit instead of smelling like it.

Observation #53 38/30

We all have benchmarks. Things that we measure the rest of lives against. One of the benchmarks in my life in 38/30. That is the pants size that I hold as the standard. I usually have to buy pants that are bigger in the waist because my legs are real slabs of meat. They create an optical illusion that hasn’t done me many favours. I digress. I don’t ever remember wearing pants that were smaller than that. I certainly must have because I haven’t always been as tall or rotund as I am now.

In the years prior to Operation 180, I slowly got further away from my 38/30 benchmark. Its like driving away from your house, you can still see in your rearview but you know you’re driving to work. Well, I got to work. I couldn’t see 38/30 in my rearview anymore. It was one of the most disappointing things about gaining weight. Its tough to buy pants. Thirty is one of the shorter lengths of pant that you can find in normal stores. As the waist measurement grows, your options get smaller and smaller. You can find 40s and 42s but they carry lengths of 32 or 34. Big pants for big boys. Then you have to get them hemmed. Pain in the ole 44 inch ass.

As I crept into the 42s, I still held onto some 38s. My expanding girth probably stretched them, but I would flop the gut up, do the pants up underneath and then breathe out. It was like Braveheart out there, “Hold. Hold. Hold.” When you would undo them it was like the game of Perfection. The timer would go off and shit would fly everywhere. Then you would have to put it all back together.

I am now back comfortably in my ole 38s. Not sure what I will do with the 42s I bought for work but it feels good to be at the benchmark. I may have to move into new territory. Maybe I can I go into the GAP and not have the heroin-chic worker look at me with that “We don’t have a husky boys section” look.

Observation #52 Indecent Proposal

Would you rather be wealthy or healthy? Is the outloud answer to this question different than the answer given in private? In alot of cases I imagine it is. Most people would say, what would be the use in being wealthy if you were to die early. Damn you Robert Redford, you ginger-haired provocateur. Sleep with my wife for a million. Give me an extra 100 pounds for a million. Two hundred pounds for five million. The caveat is that you can’t take it off. You have to stay that weight forever and you get all the health problems that come along with the extra weight. Would you do it?  Think of how much five million dollars is.

A healthy life is within the reach of most of us. Multiple millions is not. I think this question has different answers depending on your situation. Do you have someone that you want to enjoy a lifetime with? Do you have kids you want to see grow up? Another question has to be: does health equal happiness? Its a huge assumption that skinny minnies are happier people. Santa seems happy.

At this point in my life, I feel like I would turn the money down. I still hold on to dreams of achieving financial comfort on my own. I feel better thirty pounds lighter. I think I will be even better when I lose fifty more. Does the weight loss make me happier? How much would cost not to have my kids have to worry about me? Is a gazillion a number?

Start of Week 10

Start of Week 10: I started at 261.4 and have lost 34.5 lbs. It was a disappointing week. I completed the 100 laps around the track. It didn't translate on the scale. This week's challenge is to train and complete the Canada Fitness Test that we used to do back in elementary school. I couldn't find the standards for the flexed arm hang. (Thank God!) We will see how I measure up.

Observation #51 Buffet

I opened the fridge and grabbed the package of ground turkey. It was turkey burgers for dinner. I hear my phone buzzing. My family decided to go the Mandarin. Back to the fridge with the healthy turkey. The dreaded buffet. Buffet is a french word meaning “Your diet is f**ked.” A buffet is like a fat guy amusement park.

Why do we stuff ourselves at a buffet? Choice. When you look at a menu at a normal restaurant, there are always multiple things that you would like to order. Can you imagine you ordered double or even triple entree at a steakhouse? At a buffet all of those things that you would like to order, are there. Right there in front of you. Egging you on. Its like Old MacDonald. They fill up the trough and you saunter up and start feeding. Oink, oink here.

I think the other thing is that for some reason you feel that you have to get your

money’s worth.They charge you just enough for you to make multiple trips. If you make one trip, the man wins. You are the sucker.

I only made three trips. Twice for crab legs. Once for miscellaneous tastiness. The biggest revelation was that I didn’t have to make my usual Nanaimo bar chocolate sundae. Pre-Operation 180, I averaged at least five trips plus the sundae bar. I can’t even imagine the amount of calories I was consuming.

My fortune cookie said, “Eat more chinese food.”

Observation #50 Week 7 Challenge: P90X

After my week at the cottage I was a little at a loss as to what to do for my weekly challenge. I chose the P90X for a week. It is a series of extreme fitness videos. My intentions were to do Week One of the program.

P90X is for people who are already in shape who want to take their fitness to a new level. I am not in shape. I am trying to get in shape. Already we had a problem. The first video had people cranking out chin ups like it was child’s play. Not sure I’ve done a chin up in my entire life. Failure. I would love to crank out a bunch of chin ups. They are a real man’s exercise. Rocky in Siberia shit. I still have nightmares from the “Flexed Arm Hang” from elementary school. By the end of Operation 180, I would like to be able to do ten chinups in a row. If I could do one, it would double my current output by 300%.

The set for P90x is supposed to look like Clubber Lang’s gym. Its dark. Brick walls. Fake industrial fans. I know what they were going for. They didn’t want it to look slick. They wanted gritty. They just depressed me.

This is a horrible thing to say. They had a guy on there with one leg. He had a prosthesis. It was during this one video called Plyometrics. Plyometrics is a lot of jumping, squatting and lunging. Instead of weights, you use your own body weight as resistance. Well, I’ve got lots of body weight so the resistance was huge. But to have the guy with one leg was almost like saying “A guy with one leg is doing it. Suck it up.” Well shit, it just made me feel more out of shape. And this was my favourite video.

  The host. I hate that guy. He never shuts up. He tries to be your friend through the camera. He was trying to pal around with the people on set and you could tell that they hated him too. “Here is Pam. Pam the Blam.” Shut up. He does a fraction of the exercises so he is working half as hard as everyone else. He is that guy who doesn’t think his shit stinks. He is not motivating. He makes you not want to be in shape for fear that you will turn into a douche like him. I can’t even imagine having to hear the same jokes he tells for three months, over and over again.   

It was tough. I only did four of the videos. The week was a waste. Let's call it F90X. I will use the Abdominal workout again but I can’t see myself doing P90X again unless the mute button is on and I am in way better shape.

Week 7 Challenge: Grade D

Next Week’s Challenge: Climb as many stairs as there is in the tallest building in the world

Observation #49 If it Ain’t Broken...

I don’t have a fear of doctors. I don’t fear the rubber glove. SNAP!!! I just figure if I feel fine, everything must be fine. One problem I have in my life is that my wife is a pharmacist and my father-in-law is a doctor. I guess its not a problem at all. Its an advantage. They have my best interest at heart. This means, however, that I should go to the doctor’s more than once every five years. I changed doctors recently. One that was much closer to my house. I did it for my health and to seek a cure for this nagging pain I have. My wife. Just kidding.

She is very concerned with my family history. In fact, as a concerned spouse and a pharmacist,  she feels that I should be taking something to prevent my first heart attack. So I went to the doctors. The first thing I notice when he walks in the room is that this guy is pretty tall. I automatically check his hands. They seem fairly normal size. He does not have a tall man’s hands. The last thing you want in a doctor who will be performing prostate exams on you for the next 35 years is large hands. He is South African and is in pretty decent shape. I guess a fit doctor is practicing what he preaches. There is no way I am going to listen to a guy who tells me to exercise and eat well if he’s not going to do it himself. It like a Ford car salesman who drives a Volkswagon home.

My test results were decent. My bad cholesterol is fine. Check. My good cholesterol needs some improvement. Hmmmm. My uric acid is high. Uh oh. I could get the gout. I love putting the word “the” in front of medical ailments. The arthritis. The sugar. My father-in-law said that the uric acid could be high due to my weight loss. The number that was real disconcerting was my C Reactive Protein. It measures the amount of inflammation in your arteries. Anything over 3 is high risk. I am a 3.5. The doctor said that my family history was the main contributing factor for the number. “Time for the pills, Doc?”

“Adam man, you control this by controlling your lifestyle. No pills until 40 or we need to.”

I guess I need Operation 180 more than I think. I will never remember to take a pill every morning.

Observation #48 Guilt

Guilt. It is very powerful. I think the ideal life would be to live a life without guilt. The problem with that however is that your mind may be clear but you are saddled with pecs that are now b-cups, weird things called skin tags and stints of breathlessness as we attempt to tie up our shoes. While we are often encouraged to live life without regrets, in the weight loss game, guilt can be a powerful tool.

My life can be defined by cycles of guilt/guilt-free periods. When you are eating with reckless abandon, it is astonishing what you can consume. Its almost as all reasoning escapes you. You know something is horrible for you but no questioning takes place. Its full steam ahead. When a giant Oreo Brownie Earthquake is sitting in front of you and hear nothing, you are in trouble. You should hear, “Dude, this is your arteries calling. WTF” or “Find three friends to help you eat this.” or “Enjoy this reward because you are going to have sweat that chocolate syrup out.”

I want to break the guilt cycle. I would like to live the way I am right now for the rest of my life. I hear the voice now. When I see a piece of Stuffed Crazy Bread on my daughter’s plate, something whispers, “You don’t need that, fool. You are not even hungry.” The voice is usually Mr. T. Plus, whether its real or not, I feel eyes upon me. By going public with the Facebook diet, Mr. T tells me, “Your co-workers are watching. Don’t pick up that chocolate croissant.” They probably don’t care what I eat, but pity the fool that eats with no voice.