Observation #23 Ball of Confusion

There are many things that confuse me. I am a simple man. Losing weight can be confusing and maybe my perception has been altered by hunger and exhaustion. Here are some of the things that are baffling me:

1) Why do some of the biggest musclely guys listen to the girliest music at the gym? I saw a giant dude in the locker room. He was taking his iPod off and “Hold it Against Me” by Britney Spears was blaring from the buds. Just seems weird. This is not an isolated incident.

2) My wife says to me “If I lost weight like you, the first thing I would lose would be my boobs.” Shit that isn’t fair on so many levels. When a guy gains weight, his weiner doesn’t get bigger. In fact, it looks much smaller relative to the gut. Secondly, it certainly doesn’t make me want to encourage my wife to lose weight. I guess I should suck it up but I would miss those babies.

3) Everyone at the gym has a tattoo. Maybe I just notice it more because people tend to wear less clothing when working out, but I may be the only one there with no ink. Maybe when your body becomes a more attractive canvas, people feel they need to hang something permanent on it.  I noticed it at the Fantasy Island wading pool as well. I can just imagine the meetings at the local biker gang, “Well the tattoo thing has been totally highjacked. I just don’t know who I am anymore?”

4) Pooping. I poop a lot less now. I miss my alone time. When I shut that door I enter my fortress of solitude. Plus I get a lot less reading done. I digress.

Observation #22 Week Three Challenge: Half Marathon

Man was born to run. Cause we’re tramps. Human beings have a natural instinct to run. We used to run after our food or run to avoid becoming food. Why do we run now? Not sure people know why. Perhaps it is to recapture that primal instinct. Why else would people buy those shoes with the individual toes that make it feel like you are running in bare feet? I hate running. Seriously, what’s the rush people? Not sure if its my flat feet, my seasonal asthma,  my generally bad cardiovascular conditioning or my rolodex of excuses but running is tough. Real tough.

As part of Operation 180, the challenge for week three was to run the equivalent of a half marathon over the course of a week. A half marathon is about 21 kilometres. I haven’t run that far perhaps in my whole life. Well not since I was playing soccer. People who run quite frequently probably don’t consider that very much running but for me it was alot. at this point I can’t imagine doing it all at once. Big cudos to the people who do that.  I tried to run 3 km a day for the week. I missed one day so I only ran 18 km.

One day on the treadmill I was a little...gassy. I was running well but tooting as well. Tooting is a word that I use with my girls. The word farting seems much sharper. Tooting makes the act cute. Anyways I was thinking, I know that I am passing gas, I’m still running and its not impeding me at all. The problem is my iPod is pumping in my ear. I have no way of knowing if anyone else can hear me farting or not. I could have been that asshole farting on the treadmill. That’s a weird play on words. I will never know. Can you imagine, hearing a tuba solo at the YMCA? Clearly a downside of the earphone.

Week 3 Challenge: Grade C+

Week 4 Challenge: Swim 1.9 km. (76 laps at the YMCA)

Observation #21 Potential Slogans for Operation 180

Nike’s Just Do It. So simple. Real genius. Operation 180 needs a slogan. What am I going to put on the T-shirts? Here is a list of some of the slogans I’ve come up with:

I’m a Whale, Matey! Time for 180!

Butter those Rolls! Dinner has just begun!

Pec now a tit, Get Fit!

Santa called, he wants his bowl full of jelly back!

You Either Get Busy Eating or Get Busy Dieting. (Adapted from Shawshank Redemption)

How many chins are on your Facebook?

180. Turn that shit around!

Whazzzup! My cholesterol! My blood pressure!

Can I get extra sauce with that?

Operation 180. Be sure to read my blob.

180 Days til I can tie my shoes.

Hey, that’s where that’s been.

No longer the George Dub of Chub Rub! (Too dated, perhaps Barack that Body)

Richard Simmons without the shorts and tanktop

No longer shopping in the husky boy section

Some are definitely better than others. Maybe I’ll just put a picture of Dom Deluise with a X through it on the T-shirt. RIP.

Observation #20 Alpine Walking and Matching Outfits

With gay marriage becoming legal, I think there is a real opportunity for the gay community to re-define the institution of marriage. I mean its a brand new institution, make some new rules. Maybe work a mandatory intimacy clause in. One thing that needs to be changed for sure are couples working out together.

I’ve seen it over and over. If you are driving down the road and you see a couple jogging, you know one of two is unhappy if not both. You can definitely quadruple the unhappiness if they have matching outfits. Couples should never work out together. No good comes from it. One either pushes the other too far or one forces the other to come. Seriously just knock boots to raise the heart rate. Its a win win.

My wife and I never work out together. I love her more than anything but it will certainly never happen now that she has taken on a new fitness regime. Urban Poling. Is it something developed in downtown Warsaw? Nope. Is it a dirty German movie? Nope. Ready for this, walking with ski poles. Cross-country skiing with no skis or snow.  One guy says, “Hey man, my wife just signed up for a pole dancing class.” I say, “Awesome. My wife just started pole walking.” No quite the same cache. Will I go on a long walk with Tara? Yes. With poles? Nah.

Am I judging the way someone achieves their fitness? Not at all. I just still can’t believe she bought the poles but if she uses them then its all worth it.  Whatever it takes to get you out there. You don’t have to kill yourself everyday. You can go for a walk. With poles or sans poles. My brother who has put himself through workout hell in the past is shedding the weight by walking his dog. I think the key is doing something no matter what it is.

Observation #19 Tour de France

Someone on Facebook recently posted a question asking which sport has the best athletes. For me, its no question. The participants in the Tour de France. Every summer for three weeks I become obsessed with the sport of cycling.

Oh I hear ya. They are all dopers. Not sure I care. The absolute madness those men put themselves through warrants a little blood doping. A baseball player does not need the drugs. They do more walking, standing and ball grabbing than most city workers. Cyclists need drugs. Plus I think its tough for them to get away with it now. Either way to kill yourself day after day is amazing. Mad respect.

One thing that’s appealing is that it is one man and his bike riding over 100 miles over mountains and valleys day after day. At the same time, they are part of a team. If you have a shitty team you will not win. Its kinda like Operation 180. Its me that has to work at it everyday but I always have a great team. My family and friends are my team. All the support I’ve gotten from the Facebook updates has gotten me over some of those tough climbs. I’m sure my wife would glady hand over the team masseuse duties.

I’m sure that now that its over, I will be more productive. Attaching album covers in iTunes. Downloading. Cleaning the house up in the 15 minutes before my wife comes home.

http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/2011/07/tour-de-france-2011---part-1/100105/

http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/2011/07/tour-de-france-2011---part-2/100114/

Start of Week 4

Start of Week 4: I started at 261.4 and have lost 21.4 lbs. I didn't finish the half marathon. I ran 18 km. Bummer. I am going to try to swim 1.9 km over the course of a week. I'm not much of a swimmer so we'll see.

Observation #18 Fuel for the Fire

There has been points when I wanted to pack it in. Just gorge. Eat a giant bag of Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn. Damn you. Even though your hands end up smelling like asshole, that popcorn is divine. Then there little things that get you off the ledge.

My daughter had a birthday at the movie theatre. One of my students works there. He said, “Ventnor, I didn’t even recognize you.” There never call me Mr. Ventnor.

“Yeah. Dusty, I shaved the beard.”

“No. You look like you’ve lost weight”

I could have hugged that boy. (If it didn’t put my job in jeopardy) I don’t think he was blowing smoke up my ass because there were no marks on the line. It gave me a lot of juice, enough to avoid the snacks we bought for the kids during the movie.

Getting to the gym is tough. Cue up the YouTube. I searched the Rocky training scenes. If you don’t get pumped up by those then your fire is out. Rocky IV, when Rock is training in Siberia. That is pure cinema gold. Very inspirational. If Rocky can beat Ivan Drago, then I can beat the Burger King.

Finally, I had my parents over for dinner the other day. I’m not to get too much into it but I just watched them for a couple minutes. I just smiled. They have given me everything a parent can give a child. I owe it to them.

Observation #17 Fast Food Fantasy All-Star Team

I’ve played alot of fantasy sports in my time. I thought I would put together a Fantasy Fast Food All-Star team. Its torture really. I wonder how the point system would work. Points for the amount of times I choose to eat it. Maybe points for how much artery clogging takes place. Everyone’s team looks different. Here’s my team:

McDonalds Top Pick:  Buffalo Snack Wraps

Burger King: Chicken Sandwich and when in season the Italian Chicken Sandwich

Wendy’s: Spicy Chicken Sandwich with Cheese and Bacon

Taco Bell: Volcano Double Beef Burrito (Not always there, Cheesy Gordita Crunch

otherwise)

Pita Pit: Chicken Caesar Pita

Mr. Sub: Pizza Sub

Subway: Italian BMT on Flatbread

KFC: Double Down

Dairy Queen: Brownie Batter Blizzard (Only the month of June, cruel cruel joke)

Pizza Hut: Cheezy Bite Stuffed Crust Pepperoni Pizza

Harvey’s: Bacon Cheeseburger

East Side Marios: Cheese Cappeletti (They used to call me the Cappeletii Kid)

Sorry I have to stop... there are too many tears on the keyboard. It might short out. I weep for them all as if they were my children. I don’t want to say goodbye to them. Send them out on tiny boats made of their own packaging. We will meet again just not as often as we used to.

Observation #16: The Power of Now

’ve been reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. I should say I’ve been trying to read it. I keep thinking about how it will end. That’s a little Tolle joke. His whole premise is that we need to live in the present. There is no past and there is no future. All there is, is right now. No right now. No right now. As a fat dude I find this thinking hard to believe.

If there was no past, I wouldn’t be walking around with this belly and the all too frequent chub rub. Its hard not to acknowledge the past when you are saddled with all the Brownie Batter Blizzards and Volcano Double Beef Burritos of yester years. How can there be no past when you are physically living with all of your poor decisions?

Another interesting thing about time perspectives is that if you are truly living in the present then you will continue to eat like there is no future. I think the key to weight loss is not to live in the present at all. Delay gratification. That sexy Nanaimo bar is what I need right now. No. Take the time, get up and grab that Granny Smith. A gilf. Easier said than done.

Someone once told my wife “That food will never taste as good as thin feels.” It takes a real paradigm shift to believe that. The food is right now. The thin is in the future. That is why they put all those chocolate bars at the checkout. The delicious is right now. The Drive-Thru. The grease is right now. In a world where instant feedback is king and desires being met are immediate, I fear for future generations. Everything is at their fingertips. Remember when you had to wait for your favourite song to come on the radio or on the TV. Not anymore straight to YouTube. Remember when you had to go the Blockbuster to rent your favourite movie. Not anymore. Remember stumbling upon your Dad’s porn stash. Not anymore.  Wondering what your friend is doing in Biology class?  Just text them. We as a society need that a paradigm shift. It better happen soon because people are certainly not going to wait for it.

Observation #14: My Power Animal

There was a little indie movie starring Keanu Reeves called Speed... just kidding. It was called Thumbsucker. He played a dentist. When he was about to drill a cavity and he asked the patient what his power animal was. A power animal is a spirit within you that provides you courage and guidance through life’s trials and tribulations. This concept is big amongst the Shamans.

I was convinced that my power animal was the mighty manatee. To embody the manatee, one must be willing to be sedentary and harmless. Think about it, the manatee has no natural enemies. It floats around all day eating vegetation. Not hurting anyone. In fact the only enemy that the manatee has is  the occasional boat that comes along cutting them with their boat propellers. Sad. Not the greatest power animal to have if you are trying to lose weight.

What should be my new power animal? I asked Tara what her power animal was to get some inspiration. She said her power animal was a dragon. My first reaction: “That is bullshit. You can’t have a mythical beast as your power animal.” Then I thought who am I to poo poo her power animal.  

I went online and took a power animal quiz. I answered as best as I could with Operation 180 in mind. It turns out that my power animal is the three-toed sloth...just kidding. My new power animal is the wolverine.  Then I thought if Tara can have a mythical beast as her power animal then I would combine what I love about my beloved sea cow and the wolverine. My new power animal is the Manverine.

Observation #15: Week Two Challenge: 200 km on the bike

When I got married my wife bought me a beautiful new road bike. It was the perfect wedding gift. We had my daughter right away and the bike found a home in the garage. I used to ride alot. One summer I rode my bike to Quebec City. Every time I went into the garage I could hear my bike whispering, “Its been a long time ole friend. My seat doesn’t even recognize your ass anymore.” To be honest, I didn’t recognize my ass either.

For my second weekly challenge I decided re-familiarize my seat with my new ass. I picked a distance of 200 km because I knew I would have to ride everyday to accomplish it.

The first day I did 30 kilometers. It had to be the windiest day ever. I was pedaling but it didn’t seem like I was going anywhere. Maybe it was because there is more of me to catch the wind. A giant meat sail.

The second day I did 60 km with some friends from work. As I mentioned before, there was a definite disparity in our fitness levels. I appreciated them for waiting for me after the long climbs. There was one really long climb. It seemed like a 5km climb to the heavens but it felt like hell as I was doing it. There was also another depressing part of the ride. There was an old guy riding a Supercycle in Birkenstocks that I just couldn’t pass. I survived.

After a shorter ride of 20 km, I did another 60 km ride with the guys from work. This ride was much flatter. Before the ride, I was in serious pain. If there is anyone who has played guitar, if you play for the first time in long time, it hurts your fingertips. It continues to hurt until your fingertips toughen up and harden. Its the same with cycling except its not your fingertips that needs to toughen up. The greatest thing my wife did for my cycling career was not buying me the bike. It was her delicate application of Peneton Baby Creme to my tender bits . I love her for that. I digress.

I finished the week off with some shorter rides. This week really re-ignited my passion for cycling. Hopefully I will get a few more long rides in this summer. I will also have to find a way to pay back my beautiful Tara.

Week Two Challenge: Grade A

Next Week’s Challenge: Run a Half Marathon over the course of the week

Observation #13: Shirt or no shirt?

Tara: “When you lose all this weight, will you get your back waxed?”

I didn’t know what to say. First off, I wasn’t aware that back hair was really a problem I had. Secondly, will I become one of the shirtless?

I’m not going to blab on about back hair. For one thing, it doesn’t bother me. I can’t see it. In fact I just have to take Tara’s word for it that I even have it. Did I always have it? I’m sure its like my uncontrollable nose hair and the weird hair that has sprouted from my ears. Getting old is weird shit. Does David Beckham have to get his back waxed? We are the same age. Victoria must have to remind Becks, “Davy, my perfectly manicured nails keep getting caught on your back hair! Take care of it.” Now to the shirtless.

The shirtless are a breed of man who never has their shirt on. The shirtless worship at the alter of Iggy Pop. I’ve never seen that man wear a shirt, not matter his age. Will I join the shirtless? The shirtless usually have ink too. That’s a different topic. What motivates the shirtless? Staying cool in the heat? Vanity? A weird insecurity? (Don’t ask me a skill testing question. Just stare at my abs) That’s unfair I guess. If I had abs maybe I would join the shirtless. After a back wax of course.

Observation #12: Genetics

My Dad had a massive heart attack when he was 49. My grandpa had a heart attack when he was 49. His father had a heart attack when he was 49. I have 14 years left. Scary shit. Can anything be done about this? I hope so. On the bright side, I have 14 good years left and they all survived. Countdown clock is getting louder. Its kinda like Y2K. Hopefully my 49th year will as big a bust as that was.

I used to say that there was nothing I could do about it. Genetics is certainly working against me. It really is an existential question. Does one control their destiny? Do the decisions we make determine our path? Is everything laid out already? Are we just playing the part written for us by someone else? To say something was meant to be really let’s people off the hook. A person doesn’t need to take responsibility for anything they do if that’s the case. Whoah heavy shit.

I don’t come from skinny stock. I think people underestimate that. It is more difficult for some to maintain a healthy weight than it is for others. Yet to be defeated by that is a disservice to those who love you. You can’t rollover and say its out of your hands. If you do then you literally won’t be able to rollover at all.

Start of Week 3

I started at 261.4. I now weigh 246.2. I put 210 km on my bike last week. This week's challenge is to run a half marathon over the course of a week. So far so good.

Observation #11: Past Operations

Operation 180 isn’t the first weight loss experiment I’ve been apart of. It does feel different because I’ve tried to make the process as transparent as possible. By doing the Facebook thing, I feel like David Blaine. I mean anyone can freeze themselves in a block of ice but when you do it in the middle of Times Square, you’ve got yourself some accountability. The other good thing is the measurable goals. The 180 lbs. The 180 days. The weekly challenges. Here are some of the other weight loss experiments I have subjected myself to:
There was the $100 I lost to a guy at work. I went on Atkins and lost a lot of weight. Any diet that says chicken wings are OK was OK with me. Problem is that you can’t live that forever. Its embarassing eating a McDonalds chesseburger with a knife and fork because you can’t eat the bun.
There was the Joe Millionaire Challenge. Every Monday night during the greatest reality show of all time a group of guys would weigh in. Whoever lost the least amount of weight (body weight percentage) before the finale had to buy everyone else dinner at the Keg. The prize in retrospect seems counter-productive. I didn’t lose but things got dicey when one of the guys had a five pound weight hidden in his pants at the final weigh in. It was classic when he pulled it out. The guy who eventually lost didn’t think it was funny.
There was Operation Downsize which I did with my brother. There was Operation Petit Lion. It was named after that little stuffed lion the leaders of the Tour de France win at the end of each stage. The problem with Petit Lion was that the Tour de France only lasts three weeks. There is also the annual Biggest Loser Challenges at work.
Losing weight has always been a game of some sort for me. The thing is it is getting tiresome. I don’t want to have to come up with anymore clever names. Hopefully Operation 180 is the last I come up with.

Observation #10: Post-Workout Euphoria

I went on a bike ride with a group of friends. Two were training for a Half-Iron Man Triathlon; two had recently completed a triathlon and one frequently repels down gorges for kicks. I was certainly out classed. A 250 pounder on a road bike. Imagine the pressure on those tiny little tires. Anyways we went on a 60 km ride.

It was hard.

When we were done and I was sitting there, I felt amazing. Its like losing your virginity. You can’t wait for it to be over so that you can tell the world that you are a man. You really don’t enjoy it but once its over you certainly want to do it again. That’s what pushing yourself physically is like. During the battle, you can’t appreciate the situation. Once you are done, it is an amazing feeling. Sitting there with everyone, with my sore legs and my burning under carriage, I thought “I really did it. I survived”

How can one describe the post workout feeling? The closest thing I guess is If you could feel like that during or before a workout, life would be a lot easier. When you are in the shit, you’ve got to see to the end. You know that euphoria will follow but is that information enough? Its got to be. The payoff is feeling great.

Observation #9: Are you a buzzard?

Parents are like buzzards. The carcus is lying there. The buzzard swoops down as eats whatever has been left. Parents are the same way. For all the childless people out there, the idea of scavenging may be foreign. For the parents out there, you are most likely a buzzard.

I have finished so many of my kids’ meals. Why can’t I leave one McNugget in the carton? My daughter already ate three and took a bite out of the last one. What compels me the finish it? There is a swig of juice left. I drink it. Half a bag of Dora snacks. Gotta finish it. Why?

Is it because we grew up during a “Clear your plate before you leave the table.” time period? Do we sub-consciously not want our kids to get in trouble for leaving fries uneaten? We now dole out the punishment, so that doesn’t make any sense. Maybe it is as simple as the food being there. If you see it you’ve got to eat it. You’re done your meal but there is always a little bit extra on the tiny Princess plate beside you. Maybe its because we are paying for the food so you don’t want to see it go to waste. Perhaps all of the aforementioned reasons make parents into buzzards.

How to prevent buzzardry? I tried to envision that my kids have Norwalk and if I eat that last bite of the chocolate-covered granola bar then I will get the virus. I will be double ending it (puking and pooping) within minutes. Then I remembered that I won a weight loss competition one year at work because I got Norwalk and couldn’t keep anything down for a week. That might be my new strategy. If you see me licking doorknobs, it is for my health.

Observation #8: Week One Challenge: Gym Everyday

Every month $100 comes out of my account for my YMCA family membership. You would think that money draining from my coffers every month would be motivation enough to get there but it usually isn’t. This week my challenge was to make it there everyday. I made it six days. I had a family commitment (Fantasy Island and a shed demolition/dump run) so I missed one day. I did have my bag packed but couldn’t squeeze it in.

The YMCA is an interesting place. It certainly doesn’t have that gritty Clubber Lang feel. It is clean and safe. No matter what time you go, there are the same cast of characters. You have your grunter. One guy who is moaning in agony as he lifts. If you could translate those grunts, they would say “Hey everyone, look at me!” You have the innovator. Everytime you see him/her they are doing some weird and wonderful exercise that you’ve never seen. Hanging upside down, wrapped in exercise bands with a medicine ball between their legs. You have the horny duo. There is always at least one pair of guys who hardly workout but are looking to get laid. They lift a huge amount of weight. They never have sleeves on their shirts. They are always talking about the weekend and what bar they went to. Heaven forbid a fit lady walks by. You can almost feel their steroid shrunken testes tingling.

I did a spinning class on my second day. I knew I was in trouble when the instructor asked me, “Is this your first spinning class?” It wasn’t but it was my first in a long time. I survived. I decided that the name “spinning” is inaccurate. It should be called “pedalling” or perhaps “The Worst 45 Minutes of your Life.”

Despite the characters and the classes, you see people committed to their health. It is inspiring. You almost feel like you are letting them down if you don’t go. I hope to be part of that club one day.

Week One Challenge: Grade +B

Next Week: 200 km on my bike

Week One Weigh-In

I started at 261.4 and lost 10.2 lbs. I made it to the gym 6 out of 7 days for the Week One Challenge. The Week Two Challenge is to put 200 km on my bike. So far so good.

Observation #7: The Perfect Song for that Moment in the Workout

An Honest Random Five Song Ipod Shuffle: Song One is “Undercover of the Night” by the Rolling Stones; Song Two is “Anytime” by My Morning Jacket; Song Three is “Give Me Novocaine” by Green Day; Song Four is “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” by Billy Ocean; Song Five is “You Saved My Life” by Cass McCombs.

I really need to make a workout playlist. Those are great songs (especially the Billy Ocean) but not all of them are great workout songs. The right song can really make you forget that you are working out. The wrong song can really kill any momentum that you had. I’m not even talking about fast vs. slow songs. A slow song can be just as effective as a fast song. I went for a 30 km bike ride the other day and the only thing I listened to was the band Explosions in the Sky. For those of who don’t know the band, they provided the music for the television show, Friday Night Lights. If you don’t know Friday Night Lights, then you missed a great show. The music is all instrumental and is very stark. It provided the perfect soundtrack to my ride.

The problem with hitting shuffle on your iPod is that on occasion one of your wife’s songs pops up. I was running on the treadmill and a great song for running came on, Dio’s Rainbow in the Dark. The sweet pipes of Ronnie James fueling my lagging treadmill session. To back it up was “Lightning Strikes” by Live. (My wife’s song) Single-handedly, the shittiest song ever recorded. I was deflated.

Observation #6: Athlete vs. Athletic

I always say to my wife, “I’m pretty athletic.” She agrees. Then I say, “I guess I’m an athlete then.” She shrugs.

You always know that you are getting fatter. Your pants are tighter. The sweat marks on your T-shirt in the sub-boob area are ever present. It doesn’t really hit you until you get to that “What the hell happened to me?” stage. The reason for the slow realization for some is what I call the “Athlete vs. Athletic” ratio. The more athletic you are; the slower the realization of plumpness is.

There is a huge difference between being an athlete and being athletic.  An athlete is someone who is committed to consistent, long term performance to feats of strength, speed and/or endurance. Being athletic is being in possession of skills of co-ordination, gamemanship and flashes of brilliance. Can I curl a soccer ball into the top corner of a goal? Yeah. Can I do it after playing a game for 90 minutes? Hmmmm. This is the difference. If you are athletic, your mind tricks you. If I can hit a fade away jumper then I must be OK.

The other difference is that you can be born athletic but you are not born an athlete. You can surely practice and refine your skills but takes a different type of dedication to use those athletic skills at a high level on a regular basis. The key I guess is to trying to be consistency moving towards “athlete”.

Observation #5: Showering at the Y

I am comfortable with being naked. I’ve got what I’ve got.  Yet, the nudity at the YMCA is weird and sometimes downright awkward.

I was showering after I worked out. The shower room was empty. For the ladies out there, just know that the shower at the Y is just a room with nine shower heads. There are no curtains. There are no stalls. I chose the second shower head. Safe. I was showering using the shampoo/soap they provide. The one plus of the YMCA shower is the water pressure. It will peel paint. All was good. An older gentleman enters and instead choosing one of the remaining shower heads away from mine, he picks the one right beside me. In fact one time when he was washing his hair, he backed his ass into mine by accident. Weird.

There is also a summer camp going on. Thirty or so eight to nine year olds use the pool once a day. I happened to be showering when their daily swim ended. There was a procession of boys with their heads down as they filed through the shower room. Trying their best not to make eye contact. I heard one boy say, “Did see the hair on that dude’s back?” Awkward.

The other thing is the comfort level with nudity that old men have. Why wouldn’t you wrap a towel around your waist while you shave at the mirror? Why wouldn’t  you cover up as you put one foot up on the bench to talk to your buddy about water meters? I mean other guy wouldn’t look up as he tied up his shoes. He might of gotten poked in the eye.

Observation #4: Wilco Organic Cotton T-Shirt and my Man Boobs

One of the reasons for Operation 180 is a Wilco concert T-Shirt I bought last year. The shirt is an extra large but it is very grippy. It is made of organic cotton. When I put it on it seems to grip me very tight. Every bump. Every lump. It really displays my titties perfectly. It would be ok if I was a girl.

It reminds of the time when I first saw the Hanson video for MMMBop. I said “That girl is going to pretty when she grows up.” The kid was a guy. If I ever wore that shirt I can imagine someone saying “That girl would be pretty if she lost some weight and shaved that beard.”

I always thought that if I had a set of boobs that I would never leave the house. Well, I have them now but its not really the same. I think its the hair. Its a real turnoff.

I think everyone has a t-shirt that they love. I have a dresser of just old T-shirts. They are unlike any other piece of clothing. Pants you throw out. T-shirts are more representative of a time or a moment. Unfortunately T-shirts don’t grow with you. They do stretch but its not pretty. The Wilco and Band of Horses concert Ts that were never worn. The Springsteen Rock the Vote T-Shirt. The ultimate, however, is my Love Me Tender Elvis T-Shirt that my buddy Pete bought for me at Graceland. If I could look good in that shirt again, I might wear it everyday.

Old T-shirts are great motivation. My wife said “You are wearing that Wilco T-shirt on the first day of school. No matter what. Floppy tits or else.” She laid down the gauntlet. Six weeks away.

Observation #3: The Number One Cause of Obesity: Time Management

Going to gym is a lot of work. I’m not talking sweating it out in a spinning class.  I’m talking about getting there. I’ve never really thought about it but there is a direct correlation between time management/strong organizational skills and healthiness.

First off, you need to find time in the day to work out. Do you watch the Bachelor or do you go the gym? Do you sleep that extra hour or do you go to the gym? Do you pick your kid up after Art Camp or do you go to the gym? I imagine that healthy people can find a way to do all of those things. Black magic.

You also have to pack a bag. You need to make sure you have your gym membership card. A towel. Check. Shower flip-flops (Weird fungus everywhere). Check. A change of clothes. Check. Ipod. Check. You forget one thing and you are riding commando for the rest of the day.

Eating healthy is another thing. You have to plan out your meals. I know I have ate plenty o chocolate bars while I was thinking about what to eat for dinner. Snacking also needs to be planned out. Bad food seems to be easier to grab quickly. Two-bite brownies. (Most of the time I turn them into one bite brownie)

If you can’t manage your time and if you don’t have a certain level of organization, you won’t make it to the gym or eat healthy on a consistent basis. You can make it the odd time but it won’t be part of your routine. “Routine” is that french for “shit together”.

Observation #2: The New Pariah

When I see someone smoking, I wonder why. Studies and experience has shown us that smoking will lead you to an early death. I could care less if you smoke. In fact I think you should do what makes you happy. I guess your Marlboro is my KFC Double Down. Instead of packing a lip, I’m dipping a chip. It is interesting to me how society has treated the smoker and it makes me wonder.

We have made the smoker the pariah of society. Its kinda sad to see grown adults hudled outside curbside, in all types weather puffing away. Remember when people smoked at the movie theatre or in the grocery store. I remember my doctor as a kid smoking. Now we have decided to push them to the fringes of society. Many places are considering banning smokers from public parks. In the near future, all smokers may be re-located to Greenland.

I wonder if someone holding a chili cheese dog and Super Big Gulp will soon be forced to eat in seclusion. Will the fast food patron be the new smoker? “Hey man, smoking will kill you.” to “Excuse me sir, you can’t eat that in here."

I guess that's the motivation to change. I don't want to have to eat my meal in a separate room at a restaurant. Once they've chased the smokers away, they are coming for me. The new pariah.

Observation #1: Motivation: Where did the competition go?

Why lose weight? Fudgee-os are like pieces of heaven that have fallen to Earth and found their way into my bedside table.  You “double stuff” lover, you’ve got yourself something special. The Three Musketeers are three of my best friends. Hold up a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup beside a parsnip; no contest. So why stop eating stuff that tastes good? (Skinny people will now say, “I can make vegetables taste just as good”. Bullshit.)

Logical people (women mostly) will say do it for your family. “Don’t you want to live for your girls?” Well no shit of course I do. This should be enough. How do you get that hitch in your giddy-up? How do you get started? This is where men and women split.

Women join Weight-Watchers or a women’s gym. There is support. There is encouragement. There is a shoulder to cry on. A feel good approach.

Men need competition. Shit talking. Berating. We are primal. In cave man days, we competed for food. If we lost, our clan would go hungry. Decades of video games and the advent of the Baconator has not bred that competition out of men. I guess that’s why men in their thirties tend to develop the spare tire. We don’t have that opportunity to compete as much as we did growing up.

The motivation for Operation 180 is appealing to that competitive instinct that I miss. One hundred and eighty days to reach a goal weight of 180 pounds. I am competing against myself, against the deadline and against the Internet. Facebook. Accountability. By posting my weight every week, the Internet will judge me. That’s what I need. In fact, I’m not sure I want encouragement at all. Just scorn if I fall off.

Operation 180 will also have weekly mini-challenges. This appeals to the short term. More competition. Wives and girlfriends will cringe at this but I think its time for men to amp up the competition. Instead of watching MMA, go punch someone. Maybe not a good idea. However, find someone or something to compete against. Recapture that fire. Should be fun. All I know is that my tits have just jumped a cup size. Time for a change.

The Start

I have started Operation 180. A quest to weigh 180 lbs in 180 days. Basically turning my health around 180 degrees. I started Monday July 4, 2011 at 261.4. The 180 days will take me to New Years Eve. I am not looking for encouragement just accountability (shame). I will check in every week with my weight. I will also post daily observations. It will be a long ride but hopefully we'll finish.