Observation #74 Open Letter to YMCA Grunter

Dear YMCA Grunter,

I just wanted to send you this quick note on behalf of the patrons of the YMCA. Today while working out I was taken aback in the middle of my workout when I clearly heard someone yell out, “Let’s get jacked!” I am for self-motivation as much as the next guy but come on. That someone was you. I don’t want to come across as judgmental but you really got inside my head today.

You are the reason that people don’t like to work out. Do you really have to lift to whole stack on every exercise? I get it, you are trying to build muscle but to do it just once doesn’t seem that effective. Your half shirt that read “Body Building USA 1993” and your Zubaz pants told me that you were a throwback and that you were clearly in the wrong place and perhaps the wrong time. I just kept wondering if you have a closet full of Vaurnet and Ocean Pacific hypercolour shirts.

Fashion aside, your volume just makes everyone uncomfortable. Maybe you cannot hear yourself grunting and groaning. Maybe your “Walkman”and your Loverboy were too loud. Come on. You were screaming. You sounded like a cross between who is taking a shit after eating a brick of cheese and someone walking across hot coals. You pissed me off because you were so loud and it reminded me how I forgot my own iPod. I needed to drown you out.

To top it off, after lifting the “shoulder press” up once, pacing back and forth, trying to lift again, you just left your sweaty ass all over the seat. They have bottles and towels there for a reason. Use them. No one wants to sit in a puddle of your ass. Come on. I know you have travelled here from a time where Joe Weider and steroids were the norm and Gold’s Gym and sexual harassment were lofty goals but a community gym like the YMCA just doesn’t seem like the right fit. So turn your backwards hat that you got out of a case of Budweiser around and conform. Or leave. Don’t make people uncomfortable. I know why women’s gyms exist. They are because of you. God bless Andy Rooney, I don’t mean to rant. Please take this letter into consideration.

Thanks.