Viewer discretion is advised. Yesterday was my 6th anniversary. My beautiful wife and I decided to go out for dinner. We decided to go to the Keg in Niagara Falls. It is a beautiful restaurant overlooking the Falls.
I ordered a pound of crab legs and a baked potato. It was delicious. I never ate seafood before I met my wife. My Tara’s family is Norwegian and through her I discovered the joy that is seafood. The crab leg. I call it the orange of the sea. I love the taste of oranges but the work it takes to peel them is a pain. The crab leg is the same way. That delicious meat is hard to get it but it is so worth it. Good food. Good company.
I started driving home and the most intense poo pain swept over me. I wasn’t used to the rich food. It is weird how the body forgets so quickly. I started to sweat it was so bad. I had a poo baby to deliver and my contractions were getting closer. I didn’t want to tell Tara. It was our anniversary. She does deal with all my imperfections on a daily basis so I thought I would spare her. Eventually after being privy to my deep breaths and my sweating, I let her know. She suggested pulling over and dropping trou. That was not the lasting memory I wanted to create.
I made to a local Tim Hortons. I burst into the washroom. There is one stall and there is a guy in it. I start pacing. He finishes. I get in there, wipe the seat and sit. It is still warm. I finish but feel no relief. As a quick side note, the toilet paper was that small sheet variety opposed to the roll. So you have to make a huge nest in your hand. Plus it was like wax paper. Pain in the ass. Three people came in and out while I was in there. Uncomfortable.
I get back to the car. “Did you fall in?” I guess you lose all sense of time. To add to the “shitty” situation, while I was in the can, the car beside my van smashed its door into ours. I guess my body and the cosmos tag-teamed me. They whispered to me, “Don’t f**k up, we will punish you.”
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